Karachi Yogini

Yoga for Life!

listening to your heart July 30, 2010

Filed under: And the Journey begins...,spirituality,Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 2:26 pm

When your heart breaks many people instinctively choose to close it – and though we think we are healing our hearts we in fact begin to build walls around it…walls that are protected by a stubborn protective ego that becomes more unwilling the longer it has control to let go to the higher self, or soul, to intervene.

at yandara I realized that I had been moving through life without knowing but with a subconcious intention that I don’t want to feel that pain in my heart ever again. inevitably i was closing my heart – sacrificing the joy of feeling boundless and open for the “security” of avoiding pain. while holding that intention I was still trying to love and forgive but I found myself stumbling and hiding from the truth – the truth was that I had to face whatever was lingering in my heart that made it hurt – i had to face it to destroy it.

and then the day came for our vision quest in yandara and i felt like one of a group of superheroes as we walked in silence over the mountain in the night with only our flashlights guiding us… in the morning we all awoke to a cloudy cold day in Mexico in July – bizarre but yet perfect for what the universe needed me to do that day…I had been feeling so many things push up to the surface in the days leading up to our vision quest that very shortly I was meditating and trying to resurrect the pain that I had so carefully buried in my heart beneath distractions, yoga, and all that had come my way. I kept on remembering what we had heard in our Dharma talk that Sunday – that when we face our emotions – even the most difficult ones – that the worst will last anywhere from 45 min to an hour…and I knew that I could handle that and prayed it would begin to heal the deepest parts of me.

vision quest spot

 

I started to let all that had been bubbling up come out- all the questions, anger, hurt, pain, disappointment, loss, not knowing why, never knowing why this had to happen (see its a LONG LIST:)!)… the questions kept on coming as did the tears – my breathe was erratic, my body tense, but I had learned something in this past year – I had learned how to be aware on multiple levels and suddenly i could see myself sitting cross legged on a yoga mat in front of one of the most stunningly ferocious oceans in the world – and inside i could pinpoint the feeling of my heart. my heart started to race – it felt like a battery whirring, charging, getting hot, and coming alive – and with every fear, memory that i faced behind my closed eyes, the stronger the sensation of my heart became. and in a moment the world changed, the shore became the sky and the sky became my seat, and I began to fly with exquisite joy running through my heart into my veins, my smile not big enough to express the joy – I realized in that instant that I am so happy. That despite all that had to happen to get me here, despite not knowing why, despite all the pain, every single drop of it led me to this feeling of completeness, connectedness that I never even knew existed. I had joined and found a purpose bigger than my individual story – and suddenly the story i was writing in my head dissolved – i began to forgive – listing names of people coming to my heart – and then i started to forgive myself – and began to cry again. letting go of all the shame, the guilt, to truly forgive and accept my self, my actions in the past, and myself in the moment I was in as an imperfect perfection of this divine energy of life and to see that same divinity in every person who had become a part of my life. meaning became manifold and thoughts started to quiet…I could feel my hearts energy relax but maintain a new kind of vibration in my body…and then before i knew it our time had ended and I had to begin walking back to the camp.

why i thought of this today is because in life every moment we are faced with the eternal struggle between our mind and heart, between our thoughts and feelings, between our higher selves and our lower selves. this struggle is not one to overcome or to understand in one day alone on the beach. but that memory helps me to stay centered in moments where i feel so lost and so much anxiety…when the fears and insecurities rush towards me and the temptation to close my heart is so easily available is when I have to reorient my desire and hold the door to my heart energy open – an energy so lovingly nurtured by all my teachers in Yandara.

find your heart – become aware of what it is communicating with you – because it is a built in device to tune your frequency to the divine, to the highest good, and also to show you where your true path lies in any given moment, in any given situation.  I am working with it with trial and error but it is my gate to the present moment, to keep attention to be in tune with the rhythms of this magnificent universe. 

With love love and more love:)

 

and now its like this… July 26, 2010

Filed under: spirituality,Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 11:02 pm

its funny when one really tries to live the lesson that things are always changing – and suddenly now in a week – without the constant I’ve had for over a year (yoga everyday)- I feel a little lost.  my body seems to adjust easily to not doing yoga as i’m sure it will adjust to when I start again.

there is that emptiness that i’m always struggling to fill. and sometimes I don’t know if I can truly listen to my heart in the din that I call my life.  when i’m away it feels easy to connect – and if i stay on track – to the minute it seems like a military schedule – then i’m afforded those few moments of clarity or heart centred awareness – but a week of veering away from my path brings me back to the most familiar territory of insecurity and restlessness.

I slip away in moments to touch and sing to the plants growing and changing in my garden everyday, while my baby nephew holds my hand and tries to mimic me.  the birds eye view of these beautiful moments do not escape me and I feel calm so the questions cease to take over my mind.  Then I’m in my room praying to God to help me stay on my path. Life and all in it seems so surreal sometimes and I try to catch myself so I don’t disassociate from my emotions and instead stay present in them…but i’m sure you all know its much easier said than done…

Just remembering every moment…that now things are like this.

 

a poem i wrote July 16, 2010

Filed under: And the Journey begins...,poetry,Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 12:09 am

in yandara i learned the most wonderful of things – that my heart is my answer to everything

my heart is still

like an infinite ocean

waves roll 

at the pace of my thoughts

watching the shore I can forget

the infinite horizon

far away I can see

ripples in the ocean that don’t 

always have to become waves

 

Yandara Yoga Teacher’s Training Changes Your Life! July 8, 2010

Filed under: And the Journey begins...,spirituality,Yoga Class — yogini786 @ 6:07 am

While I sit at the Cabos Airport in Mexico, watching people carefully walk over my power cord attached to the left of me, I realize that something in these last 3 weeks at Yandara changed me in ways that I can’t comprehend, but at the same time changes that I felt were on the brink waiting to get guidance.

I most probably won’t make too much sense for the first couple of paragraphs as I reconnect to this part of my mind that allows me to express in a coherent way, and not just the way my thoughts flow through me into my eyes, my movements and my breath.

What did yoga to do me?  I remember angrily talking to God in June 2009 while I packed my suitcase in Toronto – If you are going to this horrible thing to me, and give me so much pain, then you better be giving me something better in exchange! How ironic that those exact words though so unpoetically and unwisely spoken became a prophecy.

I left a life of controlled rational movements to find a spiritual journey bigger and more powerful then I can hardly believe myself.

Where do I start with what I learned at Yandara and how do I possibly express what I’m holding inside of me?

I arrived in Cabos June 13 a day after my cousin’s wedding in New York City (which went beautifully!) so nervous and with an overweight bag.  On the plane I met an old woman, born again Christian, who well anyways, was memorable!  I was the last to arrive of the yoga group and I walked out to meet Jasmin, a Mexican woman who was an admin person at Yandara, with my yoga mat strapped around my shoulder 😉

With my embarrassingly big bag, packed with the city girl mentality that I will need an exciting new outfit everyday for YOGA TRAINING! Hahaha I don’t know what I was thinking!  But lesson well learned that when going out in nature and living in a tent – think light, think SMALL!

I actually can’t even remember how each day flowed into the next, how nervous and strange the first day everything was and then how everything felt like home by the last day.

The miraculous thing for all of us part of the June 2010 21 day training was that the first time in 8 years Yandara did not fill its training!! What is usually 12-15 people was for the first time only 6 people and not to mention ALL FEMALE!!  It was actually the most incredible thing to have more staff than students in the program. We all had the most intimate joyous energetic time learning and growing through yoga, satya (our truthfulness group therapy sessions!!) and finally the solo vision quest.

I guess what is most useful to focus on for this entry is the gifts at this moment I realize that I am taking with me from Yandara.

–       love is the path we all must find!

–       Telling the truth IS NOT EASY

–       Be present in your body

–       Being a teacher is about loving kind energy that we emit while we teach

–       Be true to who you are without holding on to some idea of a “self” or “ego”

–       Spirituality is divinely inspired

–       Music IS DIVINE!

–       Nature is our path to God

–       Sleeping out under the stars near the ocean without a tent is a magical experience

–       We all need some time to confront what we are holding within

–       Sink into love and love everybody everything

–       Forgiveness is the key to healing your heart. And our heart is actually our main organ of perception (scientifically really our heart has NEURON CELLS!)

–       Proportions;)  all our bodies are different shapes and sizes and it makes a DIFFERENCE in yoga

–       Energetically blessing your food and waterJ

–       Stay connected and present through any emotion, thought, experience, and when the going gets tough remember – “and Now, it’s like this…”

–       Ganesha – the remover of all obstacles

–       Shiva – the force of destruction that exists as each moment becomes anew

–       Love love love, all you need is love (thank you beatles for that one!)

–       Move your body with grace in yoga – make it a dance

–       Intuitive yoga

–       Beautiful ways to assist people in their yoga poses

–       Letting go of all your fear and embracing truly all the beauty we all have within us

–       Gratitude for my family, my friends, my foes, and my immense privileges.

–       Gratitude to the most important source of all this goodness and beauty.  To Allah, I am in awe of your creation.  I am in awe of the love you bring into our lives when we open our hearts.  I am so grateful for your compassion and for finding a path that leads me into my heart, leading me to you.

–       Bismillah is my mantra (and my tattoo;0!)