When your heart breaks many people instinctively choose to close it – and though we think we are healing our hearts we in fact begin to build walls around it…walls that are protected by a stubborn protective ego that becomes more unwilling the longer it has control to let go to the higher self, or soul, to intervene.
at yandara I realized that I had been moving through life without knowing but with a subconcious intention that I don’t want to feel that pain in my heart ever again. inevitably i was closing my heart – sacrificing the joy of feeling boundless and open for the “security” of avoiding pain. while holding that intention I was still trying to love and forgive but I found myself stumbling and hiding from the truth – the truth was that I had to face whatever was lingering in my heart that made it hurt – i had to face it to destroy it.
and then the day came for our vision quest in yandara and i felt like one of a group of superheroes as we walked in silence over the mountain in the night with only our flashlights guiding us… in the morning we all awoke to a cloudy cold day in Mexico in July – bizarre but yet perfect for what the universe needed me to do that day…I had been feeling so many things push up to the surface in the days leading up to our vision quest that very shortly I was meditating and trying to resurrect the pain that I had so carefully buried in my heart beneath distractions, yoga, and all that had come my way. I kept on remembering what we had heard in our Dharma talk that Sunday – that when we face our emotions – even the most difficult ones – that the worst will last anywhere from 45 min to an hour…and I knew that I could handle that and prayed it would begin to heal the deepest parts of me.
I started to let all that had been bubbling up come out- all the questions, anger, hurt, pain, disappointment, loss, not knowing why, never knowing why this had to happen (see its a LONG LIST:)!)… the questions kept on coming as did the tears – my breathe was erratic, my body tense, but I had learned something in this past year – I had learned how to be aware on multiple levels and suddenly i could see myself sitting cross legged on a yoga mat in front of one of the most stunningly ferocious oceans in the world – and inside i could pinpoint the feeling of my heart. my heart started to race – it felt like a battery whirring, charging, getting hot, and coming alive – and with every fear, memory that i faced behind my closed eyes, the stronger the sensation of my heart became. and in a moment the world changed, the shore became the sky and the sky became my seat, and I began to fly with exquisite joy running through my heart into my veins, my smile not big enough to express the joy – I realized in that instant that I am so happy. That despite all that had to happen to get me here, despite not knowing why, despite all the pain, every single drop of it led me to this feeling of completeness, connectedness that I never even knew existed. I had joined and found a purpose bigger than my individual story – and suddenly the story i was writing in my head dissolved – i began to forgive – listing names of people coming to my heart – and then i started to forgive myself – and began to cry again. letting go of all the shame, the guilt, to truly forgive and accept my self, my actions in the past, and myself in the moment I was in as an imperfect perfection of this divine energy of life and to see that same divinity in every person who had become a part of my life. meaning became manifold and thoughts started to quiet…I could feel my hearts energy relax but maintain a new kind of vibration in my body…and then before i knew it our time had ended and I had to begin walking back to the camp.
why i thought of this today is because in life every moment we are faced with the eternal struggle between our mind and heart, between our thoughts and feelings, between our higher selves and our lower selves. this struggle is not one to overcome or to understand in one day alone on the beach. but that memory helps me to stay centered in moments where i feel so lost and so much anxiety…when the fears and insecurities rush towards me and the temptation to close my heart is so easily available is when I have to reorient my desire and hold the door to my heart energy open – an energy so lovingly nurtured by all my teachers in Yandara.
find your heart – become aware of what it is communicating with you – because it is a built in device to tune your frequency to the divine, to the highest good, and also to show you where your true path lies in any given moment, in any given situation. I am working with it with trial and error but it is my gate to the present moment, to keep attention to be in tune with the rhythms of this magnificent universe.
With love love and more love:)