This is the third post i’ve started in the past week. somehow something is not sitting well with me. I keep on trying to find an explanation – its the weather, its my allergies, its PMS, its the junk food. And then today I watched the second half of Eat Pray Love, when Elizabeth Gilbert (the main character) comes to India and is told by her friend, Richard from Texas:
” if you love him, then love him. if you miss him, then miss him. every time you think of him send him light and love and then drop it.”
I got that advice a while back and it helped a great deal, but somehow I forgot the essence of it – that whatever you’re feeling let yourself feel it. don’t run, don’t escape, don’t “explain” it. just be what you feel.
many parts of the film struck me, just as the book had, and when it finished I felt a sense of community, that somehow I’m not alone, and that in fact none of us are alone in struggling with relationships and with love. but i seem to have gone through a shift recently, changing from what I thought was familiar to connecting with what is actually more familiar. Elizabeth leaves India with the simple truth that God lives inside of me, as me. And all this time I had forgotten that. That I had been running away from the most difficult, most “Aisha” parts of me, trying to better them, work on them, “explain” them, understand them, instead of just being them.
And what is this me? that’s the question that’s hard to figure out in the pursuit of emptying my mind, letting go of my ego (or my false self) and finding balance, what is this “me” that is eternal and natural? and I already know that i’m not going to get any answers thinking about it. I just have to let it go, surrender, and also accept that this is where i’m at, that I still don’t know what I know, and i’m still navigating my rebirth.
another quote comes to my mind from Peaceful Warrior,
“are you out of your mind?”
“it’s taken me a lifetime of practice to get out of my mind”.
I know surely that I am still stuck deeply in my thoughts, and my attachment to my thoughts. I want to be free of them and I don’t want to fill emptiness with “stuff” but just sit with that space inside of me and let it grow, grow like love blooms in the spring.
“Practice practice practice, and all is coming.” – Pattabhi Jois