Karachi Yogini

Yoga for Life!

march madness… March 31, 2011

i started this month with a heavy feeling of unfamiliar anxiety in my chest that arose for the first time for no particular reason.  i discussed it, tried to talk to it, breathe into it and work through it, while just accepting that it is a message from my soul that i need to listen to.

so i tried.  and it left for a few days only to return.  i started to feel uncomfortable about everything that seemed to be “happening” in my life.  my yoga, my teaching, my place in life, where I was going, my insecurities and anxieties kept on pushing to the surface.  and what i was most worried about was that somehow i’d loss my connection to the part of me that was full of even calm peace.

in a constant battle, i started to try to understand what i’m doing.  is what i’m doing ok?  is what i’m doing the best thing for my spiritual journey?  why do i find happiness where I do and why do i find it so hard to resist escape?

starting this month with these long list of existential questions i started to find some momentum with the help of all the right people in my life.  guided by my heart i decided to let go of the need to fill my time with things to “do” and face the unknown.  i quit 2 “jobs” in the last 10 days.  and it wasn’t easy.  my eager to please, never wanting to disappoint aisha, had to be put aside while i calmly and evenly tried to explain my reasons for “no, not anymore”.

this is a pattern i had seen myself slip in many times.  to take on something, make it into a project, and this time around for the last 2 years, the project has been bettering myself, and “finding” myself.  and somehow in a year i had slipped back into over extending myself to the point of exhaustion.  but now i finish the month of march knowing that a certain kind of madness will subside.  the madness of being everywhere at once, and giving out way more then i’m taking in.

so i’m sure i’ll reach the tipping point of these balancing scales again, because as the journey of yoga takes me deeper within my own expectations, i’m starting to learn this journey is not a project that i will ever become “perfect” in, nor a project that has a deadline, or a project that will ever really end!  its just a process, a process that sometimes requires eliminating without judgement or guilt.

i start april with the hope of freshness in the summer heat that has arrived.  i start april with the intent to embrace solitude while loving company.  i start april knowing a little more about how to accept the swinging see saw of my emotions.

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doing and undoing March 8, 2011

Filed under: And the Journey begins...,Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 8:52 pm

judith butler’s gender trouble has come back to me. from the beginning of this year i’ve been “performing”, wearing clothes i would never think to wear, to subvert, to challenge and confront my students, “others” in my gender studies class.
little did i know that in this doing, I would be just undoing my own perspective of my “identity”, my sexuality, and my comfort zone went from casual, sufi/hippie/yogini clothing to everything that anyone owns in my house (10 year old nephew to 69 year old father). the process revealed to me all the attachments i keep with the kind of performance i’m comfortable with, that i have done repeatedly, and what it feels like to shift out of this idea of “I AM…”
2011 seems to have brought with it a heap of unexpected realizations about myself, and not surprisingly these have come through my relations with others. i spent the last year in a blissed out yoga state of mind, believing that all I had to do was let go and receive, that the universe would do all the work and for a while it seemed like to me that I had found something “permanent”…in turn I got envious and heartfelt congratulations from people who saw that I had finally found my “calling”. i thought i had too.
Having no self, no sense of continuous permanent place in one aspect of our lives, leads one to question, that perhaps that there is no basis for any permanence in my identity, and that maybe this “I” doesn’t even exist. I don’t know where I fall, and I like what Butler says, that she has yet to find a “place”, and at the same time in no way does she support happily transcending the need for a place and all the questions that come with an inessential identity, essential to understanding queer theory 🙂
perhaps its a luxury to indulge in such questions, but its interesting, what I thought I had left behind, I’m starting to see it all come back and I realized that perhaps i’ve just got to be ok with not knowing what the future of my “self” will be. maybe what i didn’t like before i’ll like now, and what i like now I won’t like tomorrow. maybe i’ll be a yoga teacher, a teacher in general, or maybe i’ll become a chef, p.e teacher, parent, entrepreneur, farmer, or be all those at once!
but then is there no essence within me? something stays unsettled within me, that whatever I become, and though there may never be a final goal, there is something unique about each of us, that can’t be removed from the equation of definition. or is it just that we have performed those aspects of our identity so much that imagining being without them is a source of anxiety and fear?
you ponder, i’ll rest 🙂 for those interested, Gender Trouble, Judith Butler, 1990. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q50nQUGiI3s