Karachi Yogini

Yoga for Life!

doing and undoing March 8, 2011

Filed under: And the Journey begins...,Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 8:52 pm

judith butler’s gender trouble has come back to me. from the beginning of this year i’ve been “performing”, wearing clothes i would never think to wear, to subvert, to challenge and confront my students, “others” in my gender studies class.
little did i know that in this doing, I would be just undoing my own perspective of my “identity”, my sexuality, and my comfort zone went from casual, sufi/hippie/yogini clothing to everything that anyone owns in my house (10 year old nephew to 69 year old father). the process revealed to me all the attachments i keep with the kind of performance i’m comfortable with, that i have done repeatedly, and what it feels like to shift out of this idea of “I AM…”
2011 seems to have brought with it a heap of unexpected realizations about myself, and not surprisingly these have come through my relations with others. i spent the last year in a blissed out yoga state of mind, believing that all I had to do was let go and receive, that the universe would do all the work and for a while it seemed like to me that I had found something “permanent”…in turn I got envious and heartfelt congratulations from people who saw that I had finally found my “calling”. i thought i had too.
Having no self, no sense of continuous permanent place in one aspect of our lives, leads one to question, that perhaps that there is no basis for any permanence in my identity, and that maybe this “I” doesn’t even exist. I don’t know where I fall, and I like what Butler says, that she has yet to find a “place”, and at the same time in no way does she support happily transcending the need for a place and all the questions that come with an inessential identity, essential to understanding queer theory 🙂
perhaps its a luxury to indulge in such questions, but its interesting, what I thought I had left behind, I’m starting to see it all come back and I realized that perhaps i’ve just got to be ok with not knowing what the future of my “self” will be. maybe what i didn’t like before i’ll like now, and what i like now I won’t like tomorrow. maybe i’ll be a yoga teacher, a teacher in general, or maybe i’ll become a chef, p.e teacher, parent, entrepreneur, farmer, or be all those at once!
but then is there no essence within me? something stays unsettled within me, that whatever I become, and though there may never be a final goal, there is something unique about each of us, that can’t be removed from the equation of definition. or is it just that we have performed those aspects of our identity so much that imagining being without them is a source of anxiety and fear?
you ponder, i’ll rest 🙂 for those interested, Gender Trouble, Judith Butler, 1990. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q50nQUGiI3s

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2 Responses to “doing and undoing”

  1. May be we are the product of our environment. May be the most dominant stimuli present around us or emerging from within us is what we become. We can either resist the change that follows in the name of being consistent towards one ideology, or we could explore everything that is coming our way. And as tempting as it may sound to try out all things new, to some extent I find it frustrating. Knowing that you’ll never know could get frustrating! In fact, knowing that you CANNOT know because there isn’t one answer is all the more frustrating! It’s frustrating because when you work so hard in order to try finding out one bit about yourself, you want it to be true forever, but the truth is that it’s just true for that moment and after that moment is over and done with, you have to start the whole process of figuring out things about yourself and for yourself all over again. And after years and years of repetition, at some point, we discover the pattern, we get it; we get it that we are never going to get it! And so we make our peace with the fact that our entire lives are going to be about exploration of the newness of our being.


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