i started this month with a heavy feeling of unfamiliar anxiety in my chest that arose for the first time for no particular reason. i discussed it, tried to talk to it, breathe into it and work through it, while just accepting that it is a message from my soul that i need to listen to.
so i tried. and it left for a few days only to return. i started to feel uncomfortable about everything that seemed to be “happening” in my life. my yoga, my teaching, my place in life, where I was going, my insecurities and anxieties kept on pushing to the surface. and what i was most worried about was that somehow i’d loss my connection to the part of me that was full of even calm peace.
in a constant battle, i started to try to understand what i’m doing. is what i’m doing ok? is what i’m doing the best thing for my spiritual journey? why do i find happiness where I do and why do i find it so hard to resist escape?
starting this month with these long list of existential questions i started to find some momentum with the help of all the right people in my life. guided by my heart i decided to let go of the need to fill my time with things to “do” and face the unknown. i quit 2 “jobs” in the last 10 days. and it wasn’t easy. my eager to please, never wanting to disappoint aisha, had to be put aside while i calmly and evenly tried to explain my reasons for “no, not anymore”.
this is a pattern i had seen myself slip in many times. to take on something, make it into a project, and this time around for the last 2 years, the project has been bettering myself, and “finding” myself. and somehow in a year i had slipped back into over extending myself to the point of exhaustion. but now i finish the month of march knowing that a certain kind of madness will subside. the madness of being everywhere at once, and giving out way more then i’m taking in.
so i’m sure i’ll reach the tipping point of these balancing scales again, because as the journey of yoga takes me deeper within my own expectations, i’m starting to learn this journey is not a project that i will ever become “perfect” in, nor a project that has a deadline, or a project that will ever really end! its just a process, a process that sometimes requires eliminating without judgement or guilt.
i start april with the hope of freshness in the summer heat that has arrived. i start april with the intent to embrace solitude while loving company. i start april knowing a little more about how to accept the swinging see saw of my emotions.