Written on December 23, 2010.
a long journey…every moment shifts into something I am unaccustomed to, something i never expected again to feel or realize. and somehow i am here floating yet submerged in it all.
feeling again like i can feel, like i can be scared, and also remembering the oh so familiar traps of my ego, i keep on bringing my attention back to my heart and my breathe.
its funny in a city, living with millions, being constantly stimulated how different the beat of my heart is. Its easy to slip into distractions, to live in a state of personality, and just brush over the difficult emotions that come up.
my 6th day in ulpotha, about 12 hours before leaving I got a Kahuna massage from a beautiful soul Eren. I had been bottling the feelings of my incredulous disbelief that I am so far away from anything that I ever planned to be my life, or the person I had chosen to spend my life with.
after the massage, I suddenly couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. they were too close too intense and I let them out. I went up to the telephone rock behind my hut and started to write in my journal a letter to say what I needed to say. Thank you. I forgive you. I love you. May you be blessed.
I truly intend to live a life free of pain, yet to get there I know that I will risk feeling pain at every step because that is the mysterious yet undeniably consistent experience in life.
we fight so hard only to learn to let go. we attach so much only to learn to that nothing stays the same. this time i watch myself move forward…incredibly connected to a larger presence that protects and loves me unconditionally.