Except for the end, the rest was written in November 2010.
today i sat on my patio, listening to music, on my day off (feels like a long time since i had one), while watching the crows do their usual antics in the garden.
it is bittersweet to accept the impermanence of life. in some ways it is so freeing to feel that nothing stays the same, that change is only one breathe away, and in other ways it is this deep sense of longing for some things to never change. life and death. hardly an uplifting way to start the day i know…yet i’m trying to learn how not to numb myself to emotions through meditation and relaxation, but to experience them more fully and accept them through that process.
i don’t remember a time when I felt so content before, where the feelings inside me were so pure and honest. I lived away from home for so many years, and now that i’ve returned i can’t believe that I had made an agreement to live away from the people who love me the most, unconditionally. i’ve learned since moving back to appreciate the moments as they come, because too often we realize our blessings only once we’ve lost what we will never have again.
I sit with my bittersweet thoughts, of how there may be a day that I will look out on this garden and my father won’t walk through that door. how there will be mornings in my future that won’t resemble anything of my present. It brings tears to my eyes but it also brings a realization in my heart and soul. that life is beautiful because of love, love that has no reason to exist except through the grace and blessings of God. And in a way, though things will change, connections remain, since we all come from the same source.
Reading Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth, I was reminded of this unpublished post. “Once you realize and accept that all structures (forms) are unstable, even the seemingly solid material ones, peace arises within you. This is because the recognition of the impermanence of all forms awakens you to the dimension of the formless within yourself, that which is beyond death. Jesus called it, “eternal life”. (p 81).