feels like a full month and there’s still a week left. summer days are long. they are hot. humid. and full. up, down, around and everywhere in between. my first days off in 6 months. planning for a escape from city life. life that never seems to quit.
nothing worked it seemed until something finally did. accepting that i’m here in this moment and that i can’t really control much. and accepting it made it all happen.
its been a long time since i felt sad. felt the heaviness in my chest. and my eyes. tired. and smile not so natural. when i get lost in thoughts that come from nowhere and then disappear into my heart.
today when I meditated i silently said the words that 2 years a go broke my heart. and today i felt nothing. and then I thought. is this what’s meant to happen in the process of letting go, that I also become less extreme about all my emotions? is that even possible for someone like me whose full of fire and heat?
maturity, change and laughter. i realized somehow along the way that i hadn’t laughed from my body and heart in a long time. i had felt joy, happiness, even peace and contentment but not that body rocking laughter. and that I wanted to. that I missed it.
the lunar eclipse full moon came with a strong message: my body is tired. so i got sick. for real. i hadn’t felt like that in 4 years. last time was the week of my wedding. being in bed for 5 days made me finally sit with myself. forced me to just be. put my training schedule aside. put my yoga and meditation on a mini break. and now 2nd day back to real life, 2 days before going on a mountaining break, i feel this sadness push through.
how did i come here in 4 years? how did my life just snap into pieces? and how, really how, did it come back together again in so many beautiful ways?
“who would have known how bittersweet this would taste”. – adele.
I know that Tolle, who I admire, love, and listen to says that pain is an illusion, and that we can make the intention to never feel it again. but i know that i have to connect to pain. pain is common like love. and it is extraordinary like love too. without this extraordinarily common pain i would never have had the heart, or the expansion that stretched my heart into atleast 2 million miles, to love as much as I can now. and most luckily, most blessedly, love again the person who created that pain. to know that now when I hear his name, or think of him, that the pain has been transmuted to love.
june 2011 you bring with you a trio of eclipses, the summer solstice and the promise of my latest adventure. you also brought with you a heap of used tissues, sore muscles, blocked ears, and body fevered. so many things that i can’t put into words. or want to. i know that despite the madness that the heat tends to generate I love that most days this month I have spent sunset under the open sky. watched the clouds disperse. the breeze simple and soothing. and the touch of my forehead on the earth. thankful everyday, every moment for what I have. for what I will never have. for the lesson to accept myself as I am.
universe you have brought so much to me in the last 6 months. in the last year I can’t even begin to comprehend. and you continue to give. and I continue to expand, change and transform. one moment a shadow, next a bird in flight.
i can’t figure out a way to end tonight. sometimes there aren’t perfect endings, just constant beginnings. and that i’ve got it now, what i always wanted in some way. a life full of purpose, luck, and truth. destiny waits. summer is here. mountains i’m close. blessed love!