Karachi Yogini

Yoga for Life!

june bug June 22, 2011

Filed under: And the Journey begins...,Uncategorized,Yoga In Karachi — yogini786 @ 1:21 am

feels like a full month and there’s still a week left.  summer days are long.  they are hot.  humid.  and full.  up, down, around and everywhere in between.  my first days off in 6 months.  planning for a escape from city life.  life that never seems to quit.

nothing worked it seemed until something finally did.  accepting that i’m here in this moment and that i can’t really control much.  and accepting it made it all happen.

its been a long time since i felt sad.  felt the heaviness in my chest.  and my eyes.  tired. and smile not so natural.  when i get lost in thoughts that come from nowhere and then disappear into my heart.

today when I meditated i silently said the words that 2 years a go broke my heart.  and today i felt nothing.  and then I thought.  is this what’s meant to happen in the process of letting go, that I also become less extreme about all my emotions?  is that even possible for someone like me whose full of fire and heat?

maturity, change and laughter.  i realized somehow along the way that i hadn’t laughed from my body and heart in a long time.  i had felt joy, happiness, even peace and contentment but not that body rocking laughter.  and that I wanted to.  that I missed it.

the lunar eclipse full moon came with a strong message: my body is tired.  so i got sick.  for real.  i hadn’t felt like that in 4 years.  last time was the week of my wedding.  being in bed for 5 days made me finally sit with myself.  forced me to just be.  put my training schedule aside.  put my yoga and meditation on a mini break.  and now 2nd day back to real life, 2 days before going on a mountaining break, i feel this sadness push through.

how did i come here in 4 years?  how did my life just snap into pieces?  and how, really how, did it come back together again in so many beautiful ways?

“who would have known how bittersweet this would taste”.  – adele.

I know that Tolle, who I admire, love, and listen to says that pain is an illusion, and that we can make the intention to never feel it again.  but i know that i have to connect to pain.  pain is common like love.  and it is extraordinary like love too.  without this extraordinarily common pain i would never have had the heart, or the expansion that stretched my heart into atleast 2 million miles, to love as much as I can now.  and most luckily, most blessedly, love again the person who created that pain.  to know that now when I hear his name, or think of him, that the pain has been transmuted to love.

june 2011 you bring with you a trio of eclipses, the summer solstice and the promise of my latest adventure.  you also brought with you a heap of used tissues, sore muscles, blocked ears, and body fevered.  so many things that i can’t put into words. or want to.  i know that despite the madness that the heat tends to generate I love that most days this month I have spent sunset under the open sky.  watched the clouds disperse. the breeze simple and soothing.  and the touch of my forehead on the earth.  thankful everyday, every moment for what I have.  for what I will never have.  for the lesson to accept myself as I am.

universe you have brought so much to me in the last 6 months.  in the last year I can’t even begin to comprehend.  and you continue to give.  and I continue to expand, change and transform.  one moment a shadow, next a bird in flight.

i can’t figure out a way to end tonight.  sometimes there aren’t perfect endings, just constant beginnings.  and that i’ve got it now, what i always wanted in some way.  a life full of purpose, luck, and truth.  destiny waits.  summer is here.  mountains i’m close.  blessed love!

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To Yoga June 10, 2011

When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all of your thoughts break their bonds: your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive and you discover yourself to be a greater person than you ever dreamed before.

–       Patanjali, Sage. taken from the Monk who sold his Ferrari.

I know we’ve all had at least a glimpse of that.  Or I hope that most of us have even if its just for a second when you realize your immense power, bigger than your dreams ever indicated.  Nothing foretells the thrill of inspiration.  And that too inspiration with great purpose!

I am timid and scared to write the words that are in my mind.  There are so many things happening these days and its been a while since I’ve felt off center.  There are times when nothing makes sense except when I remember that I’m still breathing.

This is what an ordinary moment is like.  Yet there is always this deeper connection now.  I know it because I’m the space that holds that connection.  I am the space that allows my universe to manifest.

When stripped to observing a miniscule quantum particle of movement in my lower back the external world seems like a one big fat lie.  Or the better word I guess is an illusion.   But I don’t think I can be so neutral still about the external.  Its very effortful to constantly watch my ego.  Yet once you’ve started its about impossible to go back.

“Then I smiled to myself. There are no prescriptions for a long relationship. Things change.” (Practical Wisdom, Yoga Journal)

My first memory of yoga is with my mom in an exercise studio that my aunt owned.  I was young and I loved it.  In my summer dress, a strange kind of child, I would play and relax quietly.  Loving being there.  That’s the feeling I remember and a small image of me in my memory doesn’t do it justice.

Then I didn’t think about anything like yoga until 17 years later on U street, Boundless Yoga in Washington D.C.  I had been too scared to go and not interested for years.  I had put on weight, tired eyes, and had a very active pain body.

I found a woman’s class I really loved.  Truly.  That was her name.  She was beautiful, kind and made us feel like we were goddesses/gods by the end of class. So gentle. So soothing.

That’s the yoga that first spoke to me.  I just loved the slow stretches.  The flowy movements and I started to go regularly.  But my favorite was Friday after a hell week at work (as it always was then) to go Truly’s class and be rejuvenated for the weekend.

But I had no idea that you could carry forward that blissed out feeling I found in yoga class into my day to day life until 5 years later on the eve of my return to Karachi.

I arrived in Toronto with the kind of ambition that leads one to do everything and anything to prove something, to “find purpose”, that inspiration.  I worked more than I can imagine now.  Maybe I still haven’t really slowed down in so many ways.  I meet people at both extremes (relative to me ofcourse ;)!).  those who work a lot and those who don’t all.  And nothing makes a difference.  The only difference is the state of mind someone is carrying.

I think I’m scared to be busy again.  I feel fear rising when I remember the responsibilities of being tied to a partner, home, and job.  It’s funny and then right away the opposition begins.  That the fear is an illusion and that if I open my heart wide to the universe it will give me exactly the purpose I can hold, handle, and carry forward.

And again, back in Toronto, when I was at my wit’s end.  Soul crying, body hurting, and mind madness of all kinds yoga came back.  This time I was forced to go to yoga class by my friend, got there, took a stretch and cried.

I promised myself that I would come to this class every week, at Yoga Sanctuary, on Sundays at 1:30 with Senem.  Those classes are imprinted in my heart.  Glimpses of what it would be like to be free from my mind!  My emotions! Experience a freedom that drugs, alcohol and sex never introduced to me.

Yoga hasn’t left me since.  There hasn’t been any prescription to this relationship either.  But its doing its magic on me.  Its unraveling me and putting me back together.  Its making reality a journey, a process, an experience that is right now and nowhere else.  Yoga on my 2nd year anniversary with you I want to say you’re the best teacher I’ve ever had!  You introduced me to God, friends, love, heartbeat, music, dance, poetry, philosophy, inspiration, feet, animals, nature, chakras, crystals,  Buddha, Tolle, Rumi, Myss, Helminski and Sheikh Zawia and countless other teachers full of wisdom.

I want to appreciate all the teachers whose books or teachings (or their spirit/consciousness) have changed my reality.  Thank you for traveling on roads less travelled.  Thank you for searching and finding timeless wisdom.  And thank you for letting me be a student.

May God bless all my teachers and my students.  May we all be blessed with all the rebirths we need to find our great purpose.

 

envy-something new under the current June 1, 2011

Filed under: Islam/Sufism,spirituality,Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 10:57 pm

“fortunate is he (she) who does not carry envy as a companion” – Rumi

In the past 2 years I have experienced envy in a way that I did not notice before. As a teen I would quickly jump in and chastise myself for feeling envious when I saw my crush in love with my friend.  I would tell my heart its ok when the lump would come up in my throat, this strange mixture of anger, regret and entitlement…”I deserve that too, why does she get it? Why are things working out for them?”

oh god.  its so embarrassing to admit to those feelings and thoughts of envy.  something I have shamed in myself very instinctively since a young person.  I clearly remember the first time a friend of mine tried clothes of mine and in my heart I envied how she looked in them.  And I realized somehow that the best thing to do to defeat that feeling was to share my clothes as often as I could with everyone so that I wouldn’t be attached or envious of another.  and it worked. really.

2 years back when I became single again I started to envy those who were in relationships.  and then I started to envy those who were in new relationships, with the thrill of love around them, the eyes that knowingly look at each other, that intimacy.  and then very briefly i was part of that too and now I can see that I thought so many others envied me! haha

it’s such a funny thing this emotion of envy.  it comes only when I feel insecure and for a moment my mind thinks that someone has something that I want that I can’t have.  but then I realize that as quickly as that feeling comes, the higher awareness/faith that at this moment my life is perfect and whole, comes to create a sweet opening in my heart that dissolves any bitterness, negativity or envy.  maybe its not a coincidence that green is the color of the heart in the chakra system and green is also the color of envy, because that’s where it lives in our hearts.  if envy shows up again, I send more blessings to whoever or whatever that has triggered my envy, and a genuine thank you, because in that moment they have helped me grow and learn a little more about the strange nuances of my chattering mind.

so if you have envy in you, let it be.  let it not be a cause for shame. as sally kempton advises find where you feel it in your body and ask it, why is it there? what is it trying to tell you?  and usually the attention dissolves the negativity of the emotion and allows it to transform your consciousness. sometimes its hard to do this in the moment when you experience a negative emotion.  so when you practice meditation bring up the feeling of envy and see what happens.  like Rumi I wish that we all are fortunate enough to not have envy as our companion in life!!

wishing you all your wishes this new moon day!