“fortunate is he (she) who does not carry envy as a companion” – Rumi
In the past 2 years I have experienced envy in a way that I did not notice before. As a teen I would quickly jump in and chastise myself for feeling envious when I saw my crush in love with my friend. I would tell my heart its ok when the lump would come up in my throat, this strange mixture of anger, regret and entitlement…”I deserve that too, why does she get it? Why are things working out for them?”
oh god. its so embarrassing to admit to those feelings and thoughts of envy. something I have shamed in myself very instinctively since a young person. I clearly remember the first time a friend of mine tried clothes of mine and in my heart I envied how she looked in them. And I realized somehow that the best thing to do to defeat that feeling was to share my clothes as often as I could with everyone so that I wouldn’t be attached or envious of another. and it worked. really.
2 years back when I became single again I started to envy those who were in relationships. and then I started to envy those who were in new relationships, with the thrill of love around them, the eyes that knowingly look at each other, that intimacy. and then very briefly i was part of that too and now I can see that I thought so many others envied me! haha
it’s such a funny thing this emotion of envy. it comes only when I feel insecure and for a moment my mind thinks that someone has something that I want that I can’t have. but then I realize that as quickly as that feeling comes, the higher awareness/faith that at this moment my life is perfect and whole, comes to create a sweet opening in my heart that dissolves any bitterness, negativity or envy. maybe its not a coincidence that green is the color of the heart in the chakra system and green is also the color of envy, because that’s where it lives in our hearts. if envy shows up again, I send more blessings to whoever or whatever that has triggered my envy, and a genuine thank you, because in that moment they have helped me grow and learn a little more about the strange nuances of my chattering mind.
so if you have envy in you, let it be. let it not be a cause for shame. as sally kempton advises find where you feel it in your body and ask it, why is it there? what is it trying to tell you? and usually the attention dissolves the negativity of the emotion and allows it to transform your consciousness. sometimes its hard to do this in the moment when you experience a negative emotion. so when you practice meditation bring up the feeling of envy and see what happens. like Rumi I wish that we all are fortunate enough to not have envy as our companion in life!!
wishing you all your wishes this new moon day!