It’s been a long time since I took a stretch and cried. It happened all the time before. the crazy nooks and corners that would release deeply held pain.
and that’s how Yoga started to change me, inside out.
this morning i got up slowly. I am in the second day of my moon cycle. its here early. and its full this time. full of leftover days and emotions. full of exhaustion.
why do things happen as they do? I stopped asking that question over a year a go. And today while I was in pigeon, the thought crossed my mind. I am fulfilling my promise to you. I am still loving you, even if you don’t love me.
And the tears just pierced through. I let them come. I stayed with it. What was this pain today? What was its message?
Partly feeling sorry for myself. Partly knowing that he also still loves me in his own way. Yet nothing is the way either of us ever thought it would be. And yet, it’s still ok.
I protect the energy around my promises now.
At times I forget how easy it was once to promise. To give myself freely. But I know that I also didn’t take my promises as seriously. And now i’m so much more careful. what I promise I have to follow through. The energetic bond of those words echo in my heart.
And these days the promises I made myself just a few months ago at the Summer Solstice are coming up. The Autumn equinox is a day away and I know that this cycle within the cycle is coming to a completion. And I’m feeling ready to set promises for myself again.
– Be good to me.
– Say no when it is too much.
– Prepare and plant my vegetable garden. Plant the intention to grow my love for my mother, my father, and myself. Plant the intention to grow everyday towards the purpose the Divine has set for my soul’s journey.
– Give and serve.
– Pray everyday.
– Run and make time for friends
– Make fewer plans. Do less, be more.
As I open to autumn. Transitioning from heat to cold. Feeling the need to put on some protective layers for the oncoming days. But resisting the temptation. I want to experience everything as it is. Without my defenses up. Without being careful about everything. With the truth that I am so imperfect, and will always be, and that’s what makes me lovable, that’s what makes me me. so full of divine grace that it lets me run these sentences together.
Again I have tears in my eyes. Seems like I welcome each new season with sadness, reflection and trust. Fresh hot days await us in Karachi. let’s shed our shame this season. shine and be. be what we are without apologies. allow the peace of our own acceptance to allow us to accept others as they are. I feel the urgency behind those words. I feel the desire to compel and convince. Yet, the best way, the only way maybe, is for me to just be.
opening to page 216 of The Sufi Book of Life:
“My brothers and sisters, if you can know your own life and understand it, you will find the ocean of divine knowledge within you.” – Sufi Bawa Muhaiyaddeen.