words are so funny. once you break them up. once you say them over and over. they become nothing. and yet they mean something.
un-derstanding, un-attached, un-dermined, un-cle (hah!), un-certain/un-certainty.
what is it to be un, to be without? what is it to be empty and how is it the same or different from being without. and what does it mean/feel to be uncertain, to be without certainty.
I just know that nothing seems certain anymore, and I keep on re-parenting myself. My mantra, Aisha, its going to be ok. don’t worry about what you don’t know. just let the uncertainty be and you will be fine.
As children our feelings of uncertainty, our questions, the strings of why’s we start to ask our parents or adults in our lives, are only satisfied with answers that are certain. Who am I? You are a girl, you are my daughter, you are my sister, you are a Pakistani, you are strange, you are ugly, you are pretty, you are short, you are tall, you are argumentative, you are angry, you are zen, you are…
and yet I am none of those things. I am perhaps only conclusively uncertain about who I am.
Then there is a deeper knowing, that forgets about the illusion of uncertainty that dictates my minds anxieties, that allows me to consider and believe that everything is exactly as it should be in this moment. that even this uncertainty is of value and nothing I need to run or hide from. Instead what I practice to do is to accept being without certainty about my past, present and future.
The seed mantras of the chakras work as antidotes to my uncertainty, perhaps that is the science of cleansing myself of anxiety.
and for me the aura’s mantra is I am free.
I am free, free to define and redefine, to be certain and then un-certain, to be a walking contradiction. who said that I have to fit or piece myself together? i’m certain that I will never be entirely without doubt and fear, yet I’d rather know and accept those voices inside of me, than to push them under some figurative rug of certainty.
i’m uncertain where this is going, but so be it! so uncomfortable for me to not make sense of everything. so difficult to accept that there will always be uncertainty. and that the best tools i have are my breathe, the present moment, and my faith of living in a benevolent uni/multi -verse that is holding and supporting me.
ps – i invite others to share whatever they connect to the word(s) un-certain/un-certainty