I’m ready to start clearing up some of this guilt possessed mess so I can have fun, play, and relax into myself the way I am.
What makes me feel this messy gooey emotion otherwise known as guilt?
I feel guilty about…
– my past relationships
– my eating habits (chips late at night, too much of this or that!)
– my fatigue, my tiredness, my not having any energy to give
– how much money I spend on me!
– my occasional smoking and drinking
– my relationship with my parents especially my mom
– my not being “perfect” (but what exactly is perfect I have no idea!)
– when i skip my yoga or meditation practice
The dialogue I am so unconscious of – I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, until it becomes so loud that it dilutes everything else inside of me and outside of me. Always watching like a hawk where and when I lack rather than where and when I am amazing, full of life, connected, pure, and giving while receiving.
I work so hard to be at balance with all the things that consume me, and yet instead of enjoying myself I only look for the opportunities to beat myself up. And i’m truly fed up of this cycle of guilt. i’m done with my inner harsh critic. Instead today I promise to make the intention to listen a lot more to my inner fan. And maybe soon enough I will have my own personal fan club within rather than trying to validate myself by getting approval from others. Though there is nothing wrong with that, but I’m starting to see why it doesn’t help what others have to say or approve about me, when I am constantly belittling myself.
more than just a collection of good and bad. more than just a form that is obsessed with outward and inward perfection. more than my guilt or my freedom from it.
Today I’m going to have a sense of humor about my grand plans for perfection! Hah! Why would I give all this up for something that isn’t even real? I feel, I’m alive, I’m human and whatever tomorrow brings to me, I want to pay attention to the joy and pain I have now. I want to let go of this heavy burden of guilt so I can become unstuck, content with what I have, and appreciate all my relationships for what they give and have given me. but mostly I want to let go of my guilt so i can truly begin to heal, accept and love myself for what I am: an incredible reflection of being human.
‘An analogy for Bodhicitta is the rawness of a broken heart. Sometimes this broken heart gives birth to anxiety and panic, sometimes to anger, resentment and blame. But under the hardness of that armour there is the tenderness of genuine sadness. This continual ache of the heart is a blessing that when accepted fully can be shared with all.’ (The Places That Scare You, p4, Pema Chodron)
Read an article by Pema Chodron – its worth it – and throws me a big curve ball after having just written this post.