Karachi Yogini

Yoga for Life!

yoga at home December 1, 2011

It’s been a long time since I wrote about my practice but today while I was teaching my thursday evening class, I realized deeply the impact my practice has on my being.

Yoga makes me feel at home with whatever I’m feeling.  I’ve been feeling exposed, vulnerable and re-wounded in the past month.  I’m re-reading since yesterday a book that I had bought when I first moved back to Karachi at the advice of my then therapist – Journey from Abandonment to Healing.

SWIRL – is the author’s acronym for the acute grief that abandonment triggers in us.  Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalization, Rage, and Lifting.  And she reminds us that there is no clear cut linear process to this journey.  That we move from one stage to the next and return over and over again.  3 years ago I experienced a deep shattering and withdrawal.  I fought through internalization and diluted my anger with love and forgiveness.  Finally I reached the place of lifting myself into a new life, a new skin, and a new everything.

But I forgot. I forgot that there is still a lot I haven’t allowed myself to confront.  And now that new experiences are becoming old, and the new me, is starting to get comfortable with its fresh identity I realize the traps are all still there.  My fears are here with me.  And I’m still swirling.

Today I didn’t wake up to get to my morning practice.  I felt listless since last night.  I felt discontent creeping up.  I felt frustration and black and white thinking dominate.  And I wanted to resist it. I wanted to contain it.  I wanted to sleep through it.

Thankfully I teach yoga so I have to do it even when I am avoiding it.  And today while I meditated I gave in.  I gave into the feelings of inadequacy.  I gave into my obsessive thinking.  And I told myself. I’m ok.  I’m here and I can take care of me.  I felt my breath expand my belly.  I felt my life force in my pulse.  I felt the coolness of my breath when I inhaled. I felt the warmth of my exhale.  And I was home.  I was home with whatever I am right now.

I’ve got a list of labels to characterize my behavior.  I’ve got an armor of rationalization and reflection to let my fears come first.  I’ve got a whole lot of mind activity that is always poking holes obsessed with perfection.  But.

I’ve also got a place of peace and love, that I’ve nurtured.  I’ve got an armor of vulnerability and truthfulness. I’ve got a simple awareness resting on my body that I can always access to become present and centered when I’m caught up.  And most importantly I’ve got space, freedom and joy in my heart.

It’s an uphill battle to SWIRL, especially when I feel like i’m back to the broken-ness of my shattered self.  But every-time I climb this mountain, my baggage is distinctly and definitely lighter.  Thank you.  You that brought all this stillness to be at home inside of me.


6 Responses to “yoga at home”

  1. Samina Says:

    Aisha, you write beautifully. I’ve had the worst possible day today — probably the worst possible day in a really long time — and after having read this post, I feel so much better. You’re an amazing woman and some day, I hope I can be okay just like you after all that swirling.

    All my love, prayers and good wishes.

  2. Zo Says:

    🙂 I had to smile and you know what this smile means? I totally trust that you do!
    And you write beautifully, I came here by chance but I think I will stay for a while.

    • yogini786 Says:

      I love it when I get a comment on an old post, there always is a message for me when I re-read the posts, especially this one. Glad you enjoyed it, and it made you smile 🙂 Thank you!

  3. Noor Says:

    HI Aisha, it was so great to see this blog. I am moving to karachi from Washington DC this year and am really scared about whether i would be able to find like minded spiritual beings. I have been meditating for a number of years and developing a yoga practice. Could we please get in touch?

    • yogini786 Says:

      ofcourse noori, my email is aisha.chapra@gmail.com and when you’re in Karachi you’re welcome to attend yoga classes at my home or at a clinic where I teach depending on which neighborhood suits you more. You will find what you need in Karachi, it is quite a spiritual place to be!

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