this post is a log of my december 2011
Dec 10, 2:51 am
the new year (1433) began according to the Islamic Calendar about 13-14 days ago. right now the hours begin to the last full moon of 2011 and we close in on our epic postmodern year: 2012.
I thought that time was supposed to be all these things. now i’m seeing that time is just now. there is nothing behind me, and nothing in front. while i type these words there is enough to make a lifetime in my fingers.
I start to see the stars and moon as my friends. I start to feel the music and wind as my neighbors. I start to hear the birds as my favorite song. I start to touch the ground as my skin. I start to taste my morning cup of tea like my lovers lips.
everything is different. every moment. every breath. I take. I’m here with me in a new world. and if you are here or you are here this world becomes even more beautiful. when souls communicate, time space reality seem to have little meaning.
i’m here. heartbeat strumming like a piano.
Dec 13, 2011
I’ve been struck this past few days by the immense amount of change that this year has brought right at the end. Every-time I have shifted from one level of awareness to another, I thought it obvious that the previous level had been super-imposed upon and hence is discarded. but now, finally, i’m seeing the intricacy of awareness.
I told my friend on saturday night, so all this time i’d been working on being in the present moment, observing my thoughts and patterns, I didn’t know that there was anything else left for me to do. But there is. There is one crucial step that I had read about, I had even maybe done in a few instances, but it is only in the last 13 days I realize that without “practice” having awareness is like having all the ingredients to your perfect meal but not cooking it!
In 3 days I travel to Ulpotha again, the magical place in Sri Lanka that marks my recovery and healing. I have traveled far into myself in these last 2 years, and I have been in a hurry. Hurry to reach all kinds of insane self made expectations of perfection. I guess somewhere deep my belief in my own unworthiness, my own lack, was motivating me to try and change everything. Yet I wasn’t changing as much as sweeping things hurriedly under a rug of yoga and peace. It’s not as if yoga and peace aren’t real when I experience them, it’s just that they are not meant to be tools to run away from our most difficult emotions. Yet now I know that everything happened in the time and space as it was meant to. I had to lift above to find some sense of positive self that could begin this transformative journey.
And now i’m here. I’m here with some of the puzzle fitting in. The best part of it all is that I’m learning, truly, that the real “me” is perfect and my vehicle for my purpose. This me, this uncovered, vulnerable, fallible, extremely opinionated at times, sarcastic and real, loving and funny is nothing to change or discard. Change happens with practice, but I can’t practice to be “above” me. I can only practice to be me.
Dec 16, 2011
I’m preparing to leave. I’m obsessed with charting my course. I live in this moment and yet I live simultaneously in a blurred past and a blank future laced with desire and expectation.
So many things to have gratitude for. As I wrapped up my yoga classes and university courses for 2011 I wrote a list of heartfelt of wishes and intentions for the upcoming season and new year.
burning them away.
the image of a shattered heart strewn across the sand on the shore of the Arabian sea continues to come. The view of a lighthouse looking down at the steps that I’ve taken in these last 2 + years of my life.
and now this new heart is making friends, finding peace, community, and joy in purposeful action. and most amazingly, its mending. healing. the shattered heart is not just being swept under a canvas of sand, covered up by good intentions or destructive patterns. It’s coming to terms. living to its best potential with the caring hand of this divine universe.
I sing. I dance. I move to the beat of a life that is full of incredible gifts.
I watch. I listen. I know I am prone to melodrama. I know I am searching. I know that knowing nothing is the ultimate peace.
Somewhere between Dec 19-23 in Ulpotha, Sri Lanka.
I feel unknown to myself
the desire creeps
grasp and understand
yet knowing just can’t be so.
no more stories.
no more fantasies.
breaking through the veil of
my unknown self.
Dec 26, 2011 1:50 PM
These last ten days have cleaned me inside and out. Every day I lived in paradise and every night I dreamt of real life nightmares. I’d wake up praying and soothing myself back to sleep in the middle of darkness in a thick deep jungle of noises.
“what dreams do I lose when I dream of you?” – me, Dec 24, 10 am ish, Ulpotha.
Ulpotha is an enigma. It is a spiritual sanctuary of acceptance and love. And a week there feels like months of soul nourishment.
“Ulpotha is a strange place. You’d think you’d want to write but then there are no words here. There is just being.” – me, somewhere at some time last week.
I cut the intensity of some painful memories. I saw the colors and shapes of my past and was able to go and change them with love and support. I felt the incredible strength of my energy when it would get stuck in a painful memory. And now I get it. I used to think: “I try and try and try and it never gets better.” I erased that and re-wrote my story: “I try and try and try and I move forward”.
So many people seem to come into my life bringing the most unexpected of gifts. I know it is no coincidence the love that is beating in my heart. I know that each face, each place, each memory has its place on the swirling spiral of my life.
Now I feel ready to enjoy the fruits of this hard work. I know that it won’t be easy in any way. I know the path I walk on, is simple and clear, but it is moving towards the One Reality that binds us all and that reality does not allow any delusion, or illusion of the mind. It is a beating heart, collective and sacred, that uncovers all the voices to become One.
in my intimate
what I can
* * *
does it all become
of hide & seek
when the past
* * *
and breathe here
curve your body
that I can see you
to be seen.
* * *
* * *
what you know
what you mean to me
or what I mean to you
how could we ever possibly know?
how can we dream to make sense
of what is senseless and yet it is always so
to let go
* * *
Dec 29, 2011 12:06 pm
The last days of december seem to be inching and speeding all at once. time is of inconsequence I’m here today laughing like the queen of the world. Happy free and so full of clear clarity that nothing seems too serious today. I’m living in the best comedy ever made.
It’s also a special day. My father’s 70th birthday. He is an incredible testament to the loving giving nature of human beings. I don’t think I have ever felt anything but unconditional love, even when I’m at my most ridonculous and throwing absurd dancing tantrums hair flying nostrils flaring body shaking – my dad’s calm demeanor frustrating me even more – I realize that he has figured me out. It doesn’t take a genius since i’m transparent like light but he patiently waits for me to ride my own storm.
I have learned so much from my father and almost none of it has come from words. I have learned from his quiet. From his simple routine. His love and zest for life. His love for his family and his love for me. My absolute and complete anchor.
I know as the days pass by, and these momentous occasions of birthdays arrive, that the clock is ticking. There will be less days with him. That we have so much to be grateful for. For whatever reasons I was brought back to live in my parents home at 28 years of age, I wouldn’t give up one day of it. The fights, the need to separate and individuate, the incompleteness of every conversation. Its ok. I sit and I breathe it all in. With it I get to understand the darkest parts of me that come to light and life. I feel safe and supported. I know that my life didn’t turn out the way that any of us expected but I also know now that no one’s life really turns out according to our limited expectations.
Dec 29, 2011
I sit and listen to music. It’s been a frantic kind of day, only that a holiday in karachi could create. Breathing and running I found peace for a few handful of moments until I sit here now.
The reflections of a cut up 2011 come flooding into my memory. There is nothing so beautiful as a year that has been lived. lived like you thought you’d never live. laughed and loved. cried and tried. died to be born again and again and again. I have so many lives now it feels strange that it all happened in such a short time. I create and perform the parts that seem right in any given moment, and yet there is a beautiful mystery unfolding. I am coming home. in myself. the fate line on my palm is pulsating.
Dec 30, 2011
the countdown has begun. I ran in the open cool sky, I bowed to the setting sun and rising moon. I’ve been given my intention for 2012 from a wise and wonderful friend. “have a love affair with life”.
I’ve been given the most amazing gifts in this life. It feels like a destiny that I am just about to comprehend. I’m expanding to the kinds of realities that few can experience or even imagine. And yet, it seems like everyone is with me. We are all in this together and its getting more and more exciting, exhilarating, confusing, maddening and fun.
I am. surely, deeply, completely. in awe.
Dec 31, 2011
this is by far the longest post I’ve ever published. I had vivid dreams and restless sleep last night. I dreamt of cutting my hair and a conversation: I die in a moment and am reborn in the next. It is never the same. It is always different.
2012. I can’t believe the feeling I have. Soon I’ll crash land but this time i’m paying attention. Patterns play out for their own purposes.
Thank you all, people who stumble across this blog, others who follow it, and all the encouragement to express my idiosyncratic realizations. I know it helps me beyond measure to have this space to cultivate and nurture.
Wishing everyone and everything a new year of discovery, adventure, love, and growth. When there is no ground under your feet you can fall or you can fly. Either way you’ll find that we all are being held by one another, by the divine which breathes life into all of existence.