Karachi Yogini

Yoga for Life!

right here right now January 28, 2012

Filed under: And the Journey begins...,spirituality,Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 4:00 am

how accidents happen.

 

i had that thought tonight on my late night ride back to home.  everything is a pretty incredibly timed accident.

we get caught up in the expectations of life. our mind dictates most of our time and we follow it pretty unconditionally.  and then life happens.  then you find something close to or you do really find God.

* * *

nothing is an accident. i’ve realised that quite profoundly.  and the best part is when you get that you see that everything is a play. a drama. a living out of what is inside you and what you still have to process, experience understand.

this week i achieved a strange kind of clarity.  to be myself.

***

this is definitely an accident.  i didn’t get here because i wanted to.  i just got some gift, which led me to this beautiful place.

an accident is something that happens without you expecting it to, without you trying.

***

today after a week of new steps, and new ideas i remembered this phrase. ye tang che. hopeless. a place where you have come, after being fed up, totally tired out, to accept that you are where you are. and nowhere else is better. its so clear. the sky changes shades all day. clouds drift. the wind moves everywhere in different ways. the coolness turns to sweat with a jog. the sweat melts into the skin with the breeze.

***

its late. so late. and i’ve been up for so long.  there is a certain mania in my days. i am starting to get a visual.  before it was always so blurry moving, fast, here there and where I am, I don’t remember.

now. its soft. and its sweet. things come and go and as they do. people come and go. and as. they .do

so many walk in circles. and there you are again. with the same as before. but its different this new spiral. i can feel the freshness. in my tiredness. in my bones there is a new shedding. knowing there are many more burns  and scrapes to come still.  knowing there are mysteries unsolved in each paradox.

there are images in my mind. they can’t be translated. they are stuck. in a vision of reality that is mixed. murky&clear and all words beyond to capture it.

 

 

open palm January 14, 2012

Filed under: And the Journey begins...,spirituality,Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 7:39 pm

i turn my head up to see.  the open sky.  the silhouette of wing spans. the faint lines of clouds that could have been.

2012 has only just started and i feel. i feel so much all the time.  i wonder when this passes will i be ok? will i be ok with silence and space?

i am in the midst of understanding the childhood that I so securely kept away.  I run on the open palm field of my old school. where I spent 14 years in the safe cocoon of activity and friendships.

a while back my friend and I wrote a blog about the word sacred.  and i realized today that relationships that have been so difficult for me to understand, relationships that I will always have are so complicated that I lose perspective. I lose knowing that they are spirits as well with their own journeys, with their own gaping holes of misery, and their own paths in trying to heal. I forget that all my relationships are sacred, not just those that are easy.

there is no complete truth.  there is no one answer.  even these statements are not complete or entirely true. I started walking.  I started to dance and sing.  I flew and I want to keep on flying.  but days like these i remember that it is the feet that stay with mother earth. that i can’t be and won’t be perfect.

after running with my inner monologues, I end with the soft steps of a cool down lap.  and lay on the yoga mat in the open palm field.  I sit and stretch my tired muscles.  what am i waiting for? everything is already here, everything is clear.

I pray. I pray that I can live bound to no expectations.  I pray that I can find solace in the heart of the Divine.  I pray moment to moment.  I can only be where I am.  I may be crazy, distraught, unreasonable, and discontent. I may be strong, wise and loving.  I is not enough to capture the mystery of life around or inside me.

Let it go, Aisha.  Let it be.

 

opening up to love January 2, 2012

means first to realize that pain is not love.  after a decade of all kinds of unhealthy relationships its starting to sink in.  i have been living in an illusion.

people meet me and are usually very happy to know me.  I have a million useful quotes at hand, I am loving and caring, empathic, and a joyful person.  But I have been involved in relationships with what Natalie (founder and writer of an amazing website about relationships http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk) has named Mr. Unavailable and Assclowns.

When you’re 17 or even 21 and involved with such men it doesn’t seem like such a big deal.  You use this simple excuse for your behavior – i’m young.  But now when I look back none of my wonderful friends needed to date such assclowns.  In fact, the only time I have ended a relationship is when the other person has been a decent caring guy.  Somehow I only feel loved and special when i’m being treated like i’m not lovable and special and I need to work to prove it.

2012.  30.  Numbers that mean nothing except that at this point now i’m fed up.

“In Tibetan, there’s an interesting word: ye tang che…Altogether, ye tang che means totally tired out. We might say ‘totally fed up.’ It describes an experience of complete hopelessness, of completely giving up hope. This is an important point. This is the beginning of the beginning. Without giving up hope – that there’s somewhere better to be – we will never relax with where we are, or who we are.” – Pema Chodron

There is nowhere better to be than where I am.  As I find myself filling up with a sense of self worth that I’ve never had before I’m starting to watch my need for validation from the wrong places and question why I need to “feel” and only “feel” these strong things with people who are not invested in loving me and caring for me the way I say I want.

I cannot blame any man who has hurt me, because it is always me who drops my boundaries for some crumb of affection, validation, when in my fantasy I’m back to wanting this mr.unavailable assclown to change into someone he is not and will never be.

The choices I make in my love life reflect what I feel for myself.  And I’m finally starting to get it.  That the choices I’ve been making scream that I have some big gaping hole/void inside of me that attracts the same towards me.  Most of the time its an easy co-dependency but it is short lived because frankly I’m blessed like my friend said to me last night, the wrong man walks out of my life.

There is a lot of grey in pain.  I am attached to my pain. To my story.  But pain is not love.  I have lived in fantasies with dangerous consequences for too long.  Where my source of my pain also is the place I look for soothing.  My anger is here. It is asking me to lift out of these patterned behaviors that come from my emotional wounds.  My love for me is telling me, Aisha, you will only get hurt again.  My respect for me is telling me that love with another is meant to be sacred.  My heart is saying, don’t be afraid anymore to say what you feel. Don’t be afraid of what you’ll lose if you speak the truth, because what you lose will only open you up to what you are ready to gain.