means first to realize that pain is not love. after a decade of all kinds of unhealthy relationships its starting to sink in. i have been living in an illusion.
people meet me and are usually very happy to know me. I have a million useful quotes at hand, I am loving and caring, empathic, and a joyful person. But I have been involved in relationships with what Natalie (founder and writer of an amazing website about relationships http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk) has named Mr. Unavailable and Assclowns.
When you’re 17 or even 21 and involved with such men it doesn’t seem like such a big deal. You use this simple excuse for your behavior – i’m young. But now when I look back none of my wonderful friends needed to date such assclowns. In fact, the only time I have ended a relationship is when the other person has been a decent caring guy. Somehow I only feel loved and special when i’m being treated like i’m not lovable and special and I need to work to prove it.
2012. 30. Numbers that mean nothing except that at this point now i’m fed up.
“In Tibetan, there’s an interesting word: ye tang che…Altogether, ye tang che means totally tired out. We might say ‘totally fed up.’ It describes an experience of complete hopelessness, of completely giving up hope. This is an important point. This is the beginning of the beginning. Without giving up hope – that there’s somewhere better to be – we will never relax with where we are, or who we are.” – Pema Chodron
There is nowhere better to be than where I am. As I find myself filling up with a sense of self worth that I’ve never had before I’m starting to watch my need for validation from the wrong places and question why I need to “feel” and only “feel” these strong things with people who are not invested in loving me and caring for me the way I say I want.
I cannot blame any man who has hurt me, because it is always me who drops my boundaries for some crumb of affection, validation, when in my fantasy I’m back to wanting this mr.unavailable assclown to change into someone he is not and will never be.
The choices I make in my love life reflect what I feel for myself. And I’m finally starting to get it. That the choices I’ve been making scream that I have some big gaping hole/void inside of me that attracts the same towards me. Most of the time its an easy co-dependency but it is short lived because frankly I’m blessed like my friend said to me last night, the wrong man walks out of my life.
There is a lot of grey in pain. I am attached to my pain. To my story. But pain is not love. I have lived in fantasies with dangerous consequences for too long. Where my source of my pain also is the place I look for soothing. My anger is here. It is asking me to lift out of these patterned behaviors that come from my emotional wounds. My love for me is telling me, Aisha, you will only get hurt again. My respect for me is telling me that love with another is meant to be sacred. My heart is saying, don’t be afraid anymore to say what you feel. Don’t be afraid of what you’ll lose if you speak the truth, because what you lose will only open you up to what you are ready to gain.