that word seems to have a certain negative quality to it now. and yet it returns again and again. others ask me, but why? I ask myself, why? and when most lost, I look to the Divine, and I ask it, why?
And the answers are never clear-cut. and yet they are. It is a complete and utter paradox. But when prompted to put the answer into words, into human form, I am at a loss only anchored with one truth:
“it feels right” (translates to I have surrendered).
no more pretense of being nicer than I am, happier than I am. I have been completely and entirely undone again and again so many times that there is no safety in pretending that somehow I am in control of the events that unfold which loosely connect to what I call “my life”.
But there is something I am more aware of increasingly, that in each moment, my choice is to either be with me as I am, or to cling/desire/avert/escape the moment. and even this choice is actually choice-less when it is done through truth.
I haven’t been able to write for a while. The block is deep, because the change is vast, and the expression seems stunted, almost comically absurd even now as I start to recollect why?
But, yes, the answers have been coming as beautiful strong feelings of clarity and trust. I know not to trust my desire to know why, but I also know now not to take it so seriously. to lighten up a bit, breathe some space into the thickness of my emotions, and embrace starting from where I am (Pema Chodron thank you).
and now i’m seeing that perhaps the best answer to all these why’s is why not?