“Use what seems like poison as medicine. Use your personal suffering as the path to compassion for all beings. ” – Pema Chodron
i find myself again. here.
where words are hard to write and sentences difficult to form, because what I feel and what I can understand are still battling. usually leading me to stop writing the post, and putting my computer off. reaching towards a book or my remote control and surrendering.
but tonight i look towards my spiritual teachers and to my intention of showing up everyday for my sacred duty of being human: to submit and be in awe. and i don’t push away the tightness in my chest, the wetness on my lids, and the constant dialogue of fear, thoughts for the future. i don’t push away the truth that right now I cannot name what i am feeling, and despite that I know I am not alone in feeling it.
i say to myself that it’s ok. what i feel right now millions others feel it. as i give it space, millions others also share with me my suffering as I share in theirs. as i see and hear the frustration in my mothers voice, as i contract in a deep pain holding my fathers trembling hand, i understand. i understand these tears are not just mine. our humanity is what makes us kind. and so when i dream of betraying lovers, and find myself drained at the end of the day, struggling to share how I feel, i relax. into my own humanity.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”
** meaning of tonglen