I have a page open in my browser with this title: 2012 in Review, 10 Films…
And here I am on 18th december reviewing, reflecting, the uncanny swinging swirl of my life. moving forward, back, and yet not moving at all.
one more year has ended and along with having more problems (and responsibilities), I suspect this year I have found many more solutions. I started a mess, disassociated from my wild curly hair, running in circles, my yoga practice dwindling to a struggling class I taught twice a week and the usual stuff – difficult love, substances and late nights.
the winter mania once again, gripped by its intensity. my mother had been away for 2 months in a rehab, and i was lost. my father was drinking more, my family struggling to complete therapy and there i was trying to escape it all. the sea beckoned, the nights never ended and again grace rescued me from myself.
i prayed. i haven’t stopped since 2009. under any circumstance, it has been the most incredible gift. i have tested the Divine with deep ignorance, with anger, with suspicion, and yet over and over again it has accepted me: flawed, human, and yes perpetually in confusion.
in march, at the spring equinox, i set an intention for 365 days of yoga practice. it didn’t matter how much but the promise was made: i needed to show up everyday the best that I could to be with the present moment. to embrace its pain and joy. and to know stillness more intimately.
like a slow motion movie this year unwrapped itself around me, in what at times has seemed like an absurd black comedy that I was not sure how I got a starring role in. the end of my marriage seemed like a piece of cake compared to a year of illness, addictions and still recovery (always in recovery) for my parents. but somehow with the more difficult tests, I received even more abundance, more grace and more support.
my soul yearned for a teacher, and in June I met him. His kindness, his humanness, and his attention confirmed, that despite all my shortcomings I had been given this incredible gift of connection with a spirit of Light.
but it isn’t as if the pain disappears for more than mere moments. when my forehead touches the ground and i breathe, when I stop the swirling to taste the miracle of life that i have been blessed with. but the pain is my friend, my teacher. it takes me to places where only deep surrender suffice, and every time makes me accept love, compassion, and submission as the path to this ever changing perception of the unchanging Truth, the Real.
with 2012 almost in the rearview, i see with rose-tinted glasses: the gorgeous winter sunset on the Karachi horizon, leaving its trace of pink, orange, and gray light through the streaming clouds.