July 16, 2014
Like wind life moves,
what was once simply
into its own space.
Inspired to sing some of my poetry (after years of wanting to) something deep inside unlocked and I found myself able. to catch the inspiration before it disappeared. to tune into the music that belonged to these words and maybe because finally, I understood the nature of impermanence in a deeper, more intimate way. Life continues to reel away, one scene after the next, and still there remains a deep desire to grasp to pleasure, to project my expectations on the outside world, but finally there is a space from pain & suffering. and often I can spend some time there.
and what is now
in a moment
For years now I have trudged on a path, that I didn’t even know would ever form into anything coherent, I just knew that I had to keep walking on it. And as I kept walking, sometimes forwards, other times backwards, and yes a lot of times in spiraling circles upwards to the sky and down into the earth I found the practice of presence. I would do my usual, get caught up in the movement of life’s particular story, drama and when the anxiety would open up the floor underneath me I somehow found myself able to practice. Aisha. You are here. Now. Can you feel your breath? Can you check in with something like the sky? the moon? perhaps a friend with loving eyes? Can you be ok with all this that you’re feeling?
Yes. Finally the resistance has started to melt. Pema Chodron’s words somehow deeply implanted into my consciousness would return. Start Where You Are. Soften. Lighten up. I understood now what it meant, how aggression became a part of my desire to improve myself, and for just today I wanted to not be so hard on myself anymore.
To long for Freedom
I step onto a blank canvas
with all these colors
and my simple touch.
It is so tricky being human. So very complex, and yet so simple. One paradox after the other unveils itself, until everything disappears and melts away into nothingness. And that also becomes its own craving. To let my stories die. To escape from my me-ness, to stop the incessant thoughts, so conditioned, so deeply ingrained that it feels so often as if nothing could ever change. And yet the longing for this freedom, this desire of no desire, became a truth. And life, which had for so long seemed so limited, bleak and small inside my head, was suddenly expansive and vast in my heart. I carried in it mountains, the endless sea, the rushing river, the sounds of dawn, sunset, and the music of prayer. Somewhere in this vastness, somewhere, I started to feel a clearing where I could spend a little bit of time. Where there was no rush to get anywhere, or to be anyone, or to try anything, or to say something.
What may be, what may not
What may come, and what may leave
I’ll never know.
And so the circle returned into itself. I realized that it had always been about impermanence. of not being able to accept this natural flow of life. of not knowing it, being able to predict it, protect myself from loss or gain. I thought somehow if I fixed myself that it would mean I would stop experiencing loss. But this project of fixing it was exhausting. it was inauthentic, moving fast, working from the surface, erasing flaws as if they weren’t meaningful lessons towards deeper awareness.
Yet in that in-between
So the practice shifted from the outside, to the inside. I held myself and truthfully examined. Oh what a long way there is to go if I keep trying to fix whats broken. And if I take charge of this process then I am just forgetting, forgetting, forgetting all the time whats Real. Life is in charge of me. It needs to flow through me, and I need to create the space for it to breathe. Otherwise my inhale will always feel sharp, like a thorn in my ribs, and my exhale will always feel shallow, like a race to the end.
You can plant your feet.
to the beat.
And if that inner space is cultivated, nourished, with love and kindness, patience and gratitude that’s when this light starts to come to life. your feet. they want to move. your mind, it wants to be a friend, but for so long it has been lost to its own mis-perception of being in charge. and your heart, it has a rhythm and it wants to be free to love, to dance, to smile, to experience joy in its beautifully wild, impermanent, fullness.