Karachi Yogini

Yoga for Life!

Surrender August 29, 2012

I’ve heard and said that word so many times in the last few years that I can’t remember a life where I thought one could go without it.  I can’t remember being the person who would rigidly fight for her dear life with any decision, or any opinion, that disagreed with her’s.

This fault-line opened at a gracious moment when I first surrendered and accepted life as it is.  It was a leap of faith, courage, and of immense heart opening.  I thought I was done now with this lesson.  This surrendering, I’ve figured it out.

But today after a moment of absolute clamoring madness, in a room with my mother, I saw myself cruel and unkind to her.  I saw how I did not have patience, and I did not have any compassion for her anymore.  I was saying the right words, but I did not feel them in my heart.  And not surprisingly she didn’t hear my words, as right and logical as they were, she felt my with-holding energy and before I even knew it I was back in a melodrama, playing my part to perfection.  Our dance had not even begun to end.

I sat back in my car and felt like I was bleeding from inside.  It was too much.  I couldn’t take this anymore.  This terrible grief, this terrible pain, I just don’t want it anymore.  I ran through the motions, watched myself move through the city with an angry arrogance, and at home, the point where I bowed down to pray, I became angry at God.  I heard my own words, and I felt my tears and then as swiftly as they came, I felt them disappear.  And I remembered what I read just two days ago:

“The reason we’re often not there for others –whether for our child or our mother or someone who is insulting us or frightens us — is that we are not there for ourselves. There are whole parts of ourselves that are so unwanted that whenever they begin to come up we run away…Only to the degree that we’ve gotten to know our personal pain, only to the degree that we’ve related with pain at all, will we be fearless enough, brave enough and enough of a warrior to feel the pain of others.” – Start Where You Are, Pema Chodron.

I had confided in some friends and felt a little bit more supported.  I have a beautiful loving family and again I felt less alone in my pain.  And then, tired as I was, dragged myself to my friend’s house, to take a yoga class in his open garden.  A yoga celebrity, my friend gives classes that are notoriously challenging.  In fact many times I have laid in dead pose or childs pose while he talked the class through super vinyasas.  Today he was going to take it easy, and I sighed with relief.  Knowing his easy, meant, well I’d still have a difficult time keeping up.

I moved through the class with precision and grace.   My mat is as familiar as my own breath.  When I’m on it suddenly it does feel as if I’m on sacred duty and I have surrendered to what will arise in me, and I will watch it, breathe through it, and be completely present with my contradicting & conflicting feelings.

We got into Warrior II and held it for almost 2 minutes.  1 minute in, my legs quivering, I kept looking at my focus point (dhristi) and surrendered to the pain.  I knew this was just the first side, the weaker leg, and I continued to be there for myself as I was debating: should I stay with the feelings or should I escape them?  Sometimes I had to release the pose, and then resume it.  But I did not push the pain away.  I did not push to create more, but I accepted what it meant to be a warrior.  I realised deeply that surrendering was the ultimate task for any warrior.  Surrender to the moment as it is, “because we escape, we keep missing being right here, being right on the dot. We keep missing the moment we’re in.  Yet, if we can experience the moment that we are in, we discover that it is unique, precious and completely fresh. It never happens twice.” (Chodron).

And as I finished yoga today, and felt the incredible connection and peace within my soul, I wished for a moment it would not go away.  And then, a new practice came into being.  I embraced the impermanence of this feeling, felt gratitude for it, and understood that soon it would be gone.  I returned to my car again, and I asked myself, what do you need to be there for yourself right now?

Surrender control.desire&escape from pain.  And yet while all these voices are clamoring for attention, just relax into them, ending today right where you are.

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In-San (Hu-man) July 14, 2012

Filed under: inspiring books,Islam/Sufism,spirituality,Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 2:10 pm

Last night, Sheikh Harun spoke of many things re: truth & reality.  But one particular moment stood out for me.

In Arabic and Urdu the word Insan means human.  And in Arabic Insan translates into – the one who forgets.

I confirmed with Sheikh Harun, so then, it is in our nature to forget. And he said yes, it is.

This week I was in a cloud of forgetfulness.  Anxiety, lethargy, and the little story of my life was consuming my thoughts.  It is in my nature to forget until a simple moment of grace arrives and I find myself unquestioningly in the moment as it is.

After my late morning yoga practice (lethargy is still here as the clouds darken our skies but do not release) I opened the Sufi Book of Life for my message of the day.  All throughout my practice I had been going over this – the one who forgets, and so serendipitously I arrived on p 264, quality #97 Al Warith, “Reclaiming a Forgotten Inheritance”.

“…It’s as though we have simply forgotten where we came from and the inheritance we brought with us.”

The Sufis use the image of the Divine Beloved to help balance our need “for the rational, which ultimately asks us to weigh every action in the context of its benefits to us. As Rumi says,

Reason is all fine and good

until it shows you the door of the Beloved.

At that point divorce reason,

which will steal from you like a bandit.

“Finding what we already possess may seem like a strange goal for a spiritual path.  Yet the process of finding may provide us more joy than if the universe delivered all its secrets to us without any effort on our part.”

One day Mullah Nasruddin ran into the market, shouting, “I’ve lost my favorite donkey! Can someone find my donkey? To whoever finds it, I’ll give the donkey itself, the blanket, the saddle and the harness.”

“Mullah, what are you saying?” asked a friend. “You’re going to give away what you’re looking for. What’s the sense in that?”

“The sense is,” said Mullah, “I get the joy of finding something I’ve lost.”

“Perhaps life is calling your right now to take a breath and let go of any rigidities that prevent you from receiving your natural inheritance of strength from the cosmos. You cannot possess it exclusively, but it is still yours.  The only thing that can keep us from receiving this strength is our own sense of isolation and self-absorption.”

“Ripe are those who soften what is overly rigid within; by softening they shall receive their natural inheritance of strength and healing from the cosmos.” – Jesus Christ.

With thanks to all those who open my heart to the Real.

 

opening up to love January 2, 2012

means first to realize that pain is not love.  after a decade of all kinds of unhealthy relationships its starting to sink in.  i have been living in an illusion.

people meet me and are usually very happy to know me.  I have a million useful quotes at hand, I am loving and caring, empathic, and a joyful person.  But I have been involved in relationships with what Natalie (founder and writer of an amazing website about relationships http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk) has named Mr. Unavailable and Assclowns.

When you’re 17 or even 21 and involved with such men it doesn’t seem like such a big deal.  You use this simple excuse for your behavior – i’m young.  But now when I look back none of my wonderful friends needed to date such assclowns.  In fact, the only time I have ended a relationship is when the other person has been a decent caring guy.  Somehow I only feel loved and special when i’m being treated like i’m not lovable and special and I need to work to prove it.

2012.  30.  Numbers that mean nothing except that at this point now i’m fed up.

“In Tibetan, there’s an interesting word: ye tang che…Altogether, ye tang che means totally tired out. We might say ‘totally fed up.’ It describes an experience of complete hopelessness, of completely giving up hope. This is an important point. This is the beginning of the beginning. Without giving up hope – that there’s somewhere better to be – we will never relax with where we are, or who we are.” – Pema Chodron

There is nowhere better to be than where I am.  As I find myself filling up with a sense of self worth that I’ve never had before I’m starting to watch my need for validation from the wrong places and question why I need to “feel” and only “feel” these strong things with people who are not invested in loving me and caring for me the way I say I want.

I cannot blame any man who has hurt me, because it is always me who drops my boundaries for some crumb of affection, validation, when in my fantasy I’m back to wanting this mr.unavailable assclown to change into someone he is not and will never be.

The choices I make in my love life reflect what I feel for myself.  And I’m finally starting to get it.  That the choices I’ve been making scream that I have some big gaping hole/void inside of me that attracts the same towards me.  Most of the time its an easy co-dependency but it is short lived because frankly I’m blessed like my friend said to me last night, the wrong man walks out of my life.

There is a lot of grey in pain.  I am attached to my pain. To my story.  But pain is not love.  I have lived in fantasies with dangerous consequences for too long.  Where my source of my pain also is the place I look for soothing.  My anger is here. It is asking me to lift out of these patterned behaviors that come from my emotional wounds.  My love for me is telling me, Aisha, you will only get hurt again.  My respect for me is telling me that love with another is meant to be sacred.  My heart is saying, don’t be afraid anymore to say what you feel. Don’t be afraid of what you’ll lose if you speak the truth, because what you lose will only open you up to what you are ready to gain.

 

yoga at home December 1, 2011

It’s been a long time since I wrote about my practice but today while I was teaching my thursday evening class, I realized deeply the impact my practice has on my being.

Yoga makes me feel at home with whatever I’m feeling.  I’ve been feeling exposed, vulnerable and re-wounded in the past month.  I’m re-reading since yesterday a book that I had bought when I first moved back to Karachi at the advice of my then therapist – Journey from Abandonment to Healing.

SWIRL – is the author’s acronym for the acute grief that abandonment triggers in us.  Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalization, Rage, and Lifting.  And she reminds us that there is no clear cut linear process to this journey.  That we move from one stage to the next and return over and over again.  3 years ago I experienced a deep shattering and withdrawal.  I fought through internalization and diluted my anger with love and forgiveness.  Finally I reached the place of lifting myself into a new life, a new skin, and a new everything.

But I forgot. I forgot that there is still a lot I haven’t allowed myself to confront.  And now that new experiences are becoming old, and the new me, is starting to get comfortable with its fresh identity I realize the traps are all still there.  My fears are here with me.  And I’m still swirling.

Today I didn’t wake up to get to my morning practice.  I felt listless since last night.  I felt discontent creeping up.  I felt frustration and black and white thinking dominate.  And I wanted to resist it. I wanted to contain it.  I wanted to sleep through it.

Thankfully I teach yoga so I have to do it even when I am avoiding it.  And today while I meditated I gave in.  I gave into the feelings of inadequacy.  I gave into my obsessive thinking.  And I told myself. I’m ok.  I’m here and I can take care of me.  I felt my breath expand my belly.  I felt my life force in my pulse.  I felt the coolness of my breath when I inhaled. I felt the warmth of my exhale.  And I was home.  I was home with whatever I am right now.

I’ve got a list of labels to characterize my behavior.  I’ve got an armor of rationalization and reflection to let my fears come first.  I’ve got a whole lot of mind activity that is always poking holes obsessed with perfection.  But.

I’ve also got a place of peace and love, that I’ve nurtured.  I’ve got an armor of vulnerability and truthfulness. I’ve got a simple awareness resting on my body that I can always access to become present and centered when I’m caught up.  And most importantly I’ve got space, freedom and joy in my heart.

It’s an uphill battle to SWIRL, especially when I feel like i’m back to the broken-ness of my shattered self.  But every-time I climb this mountain, my baggage is distinctly and definitely lighter.  Thank you.  You that brought all this stillness to be at home inside of me.

 

Al-Ghaffar- the.forgiver.the.absolver October 15, 2011

pg 39-40 from the Sufi Book of Life. – Neil Douglas-Klotz

“What, then, is the solution to the pain we feel from our relationships with others? the twentieth-century Sufi Inayat Khan had two answers: First, there is no solution. Second, develop your heart, which means to the Sufi not merely the emotions, but a combination of feeling and intelligence that can illuminate life more clearly.”

“the heart sleeps until it is awakened to life by a blow. It is as a rock, and the hidden fire flashes out when struck by another rock.”

“You can have all good things — wealth, friends, kindness, love to give and love to receive — once you have learned not to be blinded by them; learned to escape from disappointment and from repugnance at the idea that things are not as you want them to be.”

“The quality of forgiveness that burns up all things except beauty is the quality of love.”

***

The thought occurred to me a few days a go, that loss is inevitable in life, but love is in fact never lost.  the conditions under which love can thrive may disappear, or the person who sparked that feeling in you may be separated from you, but the love flowing in the river where you soaked your feet continues to flow, despite loss, change and impermanence.  and when I read Sufi Inayat Khans simple claim today, that, no there is no solution to the pain that relationships bring us, it made me smile.  Smile because it’s true I’ve found no solution yet, and sometimes I want to find it so badly in the form of another person, or in a feeling that I crave, or the things I think need to change about me or another person so that the relationship will stop being a source of pain!  yet, if there is no solution, but just processing, experiencing, then all relationships will bring with them pain and love.  and the more intense the pain, reminds me the depth from which I must love that person (and how deeply I am loved as well), and how lucky I am that my heart was (can be) that open, be it in the past, present or again one day in the future.

 

Friday parable. October 7, 2011

Filed under: inspiring books,Islam/Sufism,spirituality,Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 2:47 pm

This is from Neil Douglas-Klotz’s book, The Sufi Book of Life.

“Once upon a time, Mullah Nasruddin was invited to speak at the mosque in a particular village at Friday community prayers. This is normally the only time when there might be a sermon or talk, since everyone would be gathered. The village that invited Mullah was widely known as the largest collection of foolish people in the region. They sent a delegation to Mullah: ‘O Mullah, wisest of the wise, we know that we’re not worthy, but please come and give the sermon at our community prayers. Give us a chance!’

Mullah agreed and went there the next Friday.  He walked to the front of the mosque after prayers and said, “Does anyone know what I’m about to tell you?”

No one dared answer, for fear of being proved foolish.
“Then,” said Mullah, “you’re all too foolish to tell.” And he walked out.

The next day the town again sent a delegation to Mullah, begging and pleading.  “We’ll try to do better, Mullah! Please come again!”

The next Friday the same thing happened.  Mullah walked to the front of the mosque after prayers and asked, “Does anyone know what I’m about to tell you?”

This time, as if choreographed, everyone responded at once. “Yes! We know!”

“Then there’s no point in telling you.” said Mullah, and he walked out again.

As you might guess, another day, another delegation, more bowing and scraping. “Just one more chance, Mullah! We promise!”

Again the following week, the same scene, the same question. This time half the crowd yelled out, “Some of us know!” and the other half responded “And some of us don’t!”

“So,” said Mullah, “Let those who know tell those who don’t!” And he walked out a third time.

Now I’ve heard it told that many years later, Mullah happened to be traveling again near the town of foolish people, and he noticed that it just happened to be Friday, around noon. “I think i’ll go see how they’re getting on,” said Mullah to himself.

As he entered the mosque, prayers were over, but it looked as if everyone was waiting for something. He muttered to himself, “Oh…why not!” and walked to the front.

“Does anyone know what I’m about to tell you?” he asked.

At this point, everyone in the mosque stood up and walked out, leaving Mullah standing alone.

This story mirrors one view of the journey of our inner self. As we begin the spiritual path, we’re in denial that we even have a voice of guidance within us.  We’re waiting for someone outside to illuminate us. Then we swing to the other extreme and think we know everything.  When our inner life finally wakes up, the part of us that knows is able to speak to the part of us that doesn’t know (Mullah’s third solution). Our higher guidance is able to speak to our nafs (loosely translated as ego), and the various voices of the inner self can gather together and work as one.  Once this happens, it’s just a matter of staying on the path and allowing our hearts to continue to grow.  At the end, when Mullah returns, he finds that the “answer” to his question is absence. The small self, beyond affirmation and denial, has merged with the Self of the Beloved.

(p 273-274).

*           *            *

Today is a funny day.  It’s been building for weeks, I can see it in my previous posts.  Voices that I thought had become silent suddenly got a microphone.  Started soft and then by last night were blaring trumpets.  This strange conflict inside myself.  One voice, angry and frustrated, asking the other voice, full of sadness and pain, WHY ARE YOU HERE AGAIN?

And amidst all that confusion, another voice that knows something, tells the voices that don’t: be patient!  And suddenly, a flash of peace.  Then energy that is stuck in the battle is released to my heart.

Right now I’m in Mullah Nasruddin’s third solution, as I discover and bring to light fragments of voices inside my self.  trying to create coherence amongst all the voices is a paradox in some ways, and in other ways it is the path to becoming one and uniting with the divine inside of me.  Right when you think you’ve figured out something, is when you realize you’ve figured out nothing! hah! how funny is this mystery of life 🙂

 

an unforgettable facebook conversation… September 2, 2011

Filed under: inspiring books,Islam/Sufism,poetry,spirituality,Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 11:35 am
Basic context:  A student from last year who I taught in university and I exchange frequent messages because of our common love for poetry and I guess esoteric teachings on philosophies of life and living.  Since yesterday we have exchanged MANY messages about meditation and our identity.  It’s been so fun and illuminating for me that I had to share it with all of you.  Thanks Fizza for helping me reflect and understand myself!
  • eid mubarak to you too! some reason i didn’t get your messages properly til just now. right now I feel like i need comfort. listening to the power of now. watching what is arising in me and allowing, accepting what is.

    you can get scuba diving cert from indus scuba school or another place called karachi something. I’m going to try and do it soon so i’m ready for the upcoming season.

    i have tried lots of types of meditation, some of the techniques are known as “zen” but I haven’t actually formally studied it. the meditations i tend to do are chakra based meditations, or just simple vipassana which is a buddhist meditation. very simple instructions just focus on your breathe and watch your thoughts. very hard to do:)

    reiki is very powerful. I’ve been feeling very different since I have been given the teachings. crystals are best for in person but you can also use them in distance. you can also charge a crystal with energy and leave it in a room, or give it to a person to continue the reiki once you’re done.
    hope you have a great eid!

  • i downloaded the sound version of power of now but i couldn’t follow it nor sit still and listen to it so i just deleted it and read the book. find reading so much better!

    Reiki is considering to be the best form of healing. healing of every kind. lots of people even use reiki help to treat mental disorders or diseases like cancer! have you ever used crystals before? i know you have been meditating for quiet sometime now but can you seriously control your thought? or even slow them down?

  • in every man’s heart,
    the leap of a mare

    each man has a bit of an ocean
    every lover has a bit of a beach
    on every beach
    there is longing
    and in the heart of every longing
    there is a rising tide

    every man has a thought
    years and centuries panting

    behind all the news and all the views
    always a burning word

    in every man dances a peacock
    in every man dances a thief
    every age comes dancing

    with swords floating down one’s throat

    every age, its own puzzle.
    – Hassan Dars

  • wow really nice. reiki is pretty incredible. as for meditation, and being able to control thoughts, i don’t think that is a practical goal like J krishnamurti says. but what i have been able to achieve is watching my thoughts, quieting my mind so that it is not my main source of information, and also being at peace even if things are not. through meditation i feel i am able to connect to a space beyond the mind like tolle talks about. it helps me practice presence and being. it helps me be. but again everyday is different. every meditation is part of the process. but the commitment, the practice is important. kind of like praying. the more you do it the better you get at it.

  • oh. well i hope you achieve whatever you want to through meditation. somehow ‘meditating’ sounds like hard work :o

  • hahah the mind i have when i don’t meditate is a lot harder to deal with 🙂:) have no goals in mind just know its the right the thing for me. and hope its for a lifetime. whenever one is ready I think life leads the way to whatever we need to be healthy and happy.

  • i guess yeh maybe it does. umm the mind you have without meditating is completely you. like all those are your thoughts regarding your life and everything in and around it. what if you somehow filter something from ur mind when meditating or block something important? wont that result in you not being so you

  • so i have only survived life in the last 2 years because i don’t identify with my thoughts. in meditating you don’t block thoughts. that would defeat the purpose. meditation is allowing yourself the time to watch whatever is happening, with acceptance and no judgement. its a journey inwards. and sometimes it is terribly painful, and other times exquisitely joyous. but the witness/observer in you becomes more present and so the joy or the pain become waves you watch and you accept wherever you are in the wave at the given moment. does that make sense? the “I” is also constantly changing, shifting, nothing is permanent and meditation teaches you that in a very personal way. One moment I may be sad, anxious, another happy and excited. Eventually you start to see that neither of those states are “you” or define “you”. They are just passing by.
    This is a really interesting discussion about meditation! I may just use it for my blog :) if you don’t mind being my muse!

  • but but we need to identify with our thoughts in order to accept them and accept us and our life. our thoughts arise from what we experience in our life. and thoughts are a very personal and important part of us. how can we not identify with them? at some point we have too! like in poetry a poet gives words to their feeling. their exact feelings. how is cool to not identify with ones own thoughts? yes meditation allows one to accept themselves and every moment but how is it okay if it doesnt allow you to find you. there has to be something that defines you as a person you. i mean you cnt say nothing defines you as everything is just something that passes by. that is a very scary thing to say!
  • oh i think i got what you are saying. you are saying that in a mind usually all thoughts are just jumping in together very randomly and at a fast pace giving us no time to process them but through meditation you can slow down the process of the thoughts jumping giving you time to understand and analyse each thought which is also why whatever feeling you feel is at a greater scale. if this is what you are saying then you are identifying with your thoughts in a cool organised manner.

  • hahah you’re great. so as you experience your mind, you experience your own truths. and everyone is going to have their own answers. one of the teachings that has resonated with me is to NOT identify with my thoughts. so I am not my thoughts, I am not my emotions. I am…that is all that one is. ofcourse this is a lot easier said than done because I do identify with many many things, but I think the better way to explain it is that my ego is attached to many many things which it believes “define” me.
  • so meditation, or just sitting with your thoughts, dont’ really need to formalize it, watching them as they come and go, allows you to detach from them, find patterns in them, and also of course there are thoughts that are important but those ones come from beyond your mind. they come from a deeper awareness we all have. call it consciousness, your soul, higher-self, God, doesn’t really matter. but that is the only source for creativity and transformation.
  • the other teaching, that is why I am so connected with Sufi thought, is that the heart is the doorway to enlightenment, path to liberation and path to God. We have to redirect our focus from our minds to our hearts (only cause we are out of balance). Ideally both should be in balance but when in doubt instead of going to our thoughts (which is what we and I usually do) we should practice to go with our heart.
  • so at times in meditation I also spend a lot of time just watching and feeling the energy in and around my heart. at the end of it all though the simplest thing is to just accept and trust. usually you’ll be guided to whatever you need to find that acceptance and trust in life.

  • Now you are saying you don’t identify with your emotions too? :o. It is not like that. You do identify with your emotions. emotions come from the heart. So how can you say that you listen to your heart but de attach yourself from your emotions and thoughts. And you are a poet. A person de attached from their emotions can’t be a poet! Your poetry displays emotions. Very good emotions! Plus people say to detach from thoughts and emotions if very painful, for a brief period of time. Not permanently! You can’t keep saying you are not your thoughts and emotions. Haven’t you heard something like, ‘we are our thoughts’. Both these things arise from our heart and consciousness too. There is a reason we cnt control them. I’m pretty sure that is the reason. Its like you are saying that if you feel happy or hurt you don’t let yourself feel that. And that is not okay.
    Or maybe I’m just not understanding you and your concept of meditation. :s. But whatever it is that you are saying is scary and I can’t stop thinking of what it is that you are trying to say!

  • oh i dont’ want to send you into a tailspin! I guess i’m sorting out this all for myself and there are no hard and fast rules. I agree with you that poets express their emotions and thoughts, that we all have them is not something i’m denying. it is important to allow yourself to whatever you are feeling in any given moment, never to repress it or distract yourself from it (which is VERY hard). but what i’m suggesting is that though we experience emotions of all kinds, though we think thoughts and those guide us and hurt us, that emotions and thoughts do not define us. do not define what we are. that we are greater and deeper than those. we are maybe grooves in the human and universe’s consciousness. I have no answer for what we are.
    I have also learned that we all swing between aversion and pleasure (buddhist philosophy). we crave pleasure (most of us) and avoid feeling “negative” things. this is because we live in a material world of opposites but internally we have the choice of freedom from these opposites. meditation is also witnessing this process more and more so we can have equanimity despite the suffering life gives us. i love this explanation that life is full of suffering, but there is true suffering and optional suffering (which arises from our unhealthy identification with certain emotions and thoughts).
    you will have to start considering what is my goal in life? what am i pursuing? when i first started to meditate my intention was to find peace from my negative thoughts and emotions. and truly through prayer, yoga and meditation I have been able to come so far on my journey. not just by shutting them off, because then they would just come back and be louder, but by watching them, accepting them, forgiving myself and others, and then truly letting them go.

    on a spiritual path, the goal is to liberate yourself, to evolve and progress, find your purpose on earth, and I believe most importantly, what you are here to GIVE rather than receive. our whole lives are set up so we can find our purpose. so in some ways as long you trust that everything that unfolds in life is meaningful, your purpose will become obvious. with the knowledge that as life evolves your purpose may too.

    at your age I was too immature to even consider the things that i’m writing to you. or to even have read the kind of stuff you have. There is no need to be attached to a mental position, you and I may see things very differently about what we are, which is great because in this exchange I’ve already learned so much! and have realized how much i love discussing this topic.

  • I feel very proud of myself right now cause I’m pretty sure I got 80 percent of what you are saying and finally it does make sense in my head! I thought you were saying you shut ur thoughts and emotions out completely. Plus whatever you do is working for you since 2 years so then for you that is the way or something like that. But this is a very complicated topic to understand!

  • i know i had no idea myself it was so hard to explain:) but i’m confident you’ll find your own path and it may look VERY different than mine.

THANK YOU FIZZA! I still have so much to learn I realize, and yet I can tell I am starting to get something at least. hope it helped you half as much as it helped me to have this conversation 🙂

perfect for how complicated my simple explanation has become!