Karachi Yogini

Yoga for Life!

monsoon in june June 13, 2013

Filed under: And the Journey begins...,poetry,spirituality — yogini786 @ 5:21 pm

it’s been a long time since I wrote anything and actually posted it.  A melancholy sifts through my day today.  With clouds hanging low, the sudden release of rain, hoping, waiting and then just letting it all go so that the earth can absorb me again.

I watched as two birds sat on the highest little branch of my grandfather’s tree watching and listening, just as I, the sky change color, the wind mixed with rolling thunder.

As things continue, my fourth June back in Karachi, the movement of my solitary life has reached a new destination, completely lost in translation.

cliff-diving

my words are stuck, a theme for 2013, where I long and yearn for something to truly change.  a lost heart, broken with wings, flies from mountain top to mountain top to find that the view has not changed at all.  And neither have I.

 

I feel incomplete, longing for a wholeness, that tempts me with glimpses. and all i can do is return to the lostness of the vast sensations my heart sends through and through.  as my mind races from the past to the future, I pray for the depth to carry myself over another edge.  of never knowing and yet always trusting.

 

“Are you going to leap into the abyss or are you going to stick to the safe, the known …In other words, if you do not leap off the cliff, you will be tossed off it.”  Shaykh Ebrahim (Etsko Schuitema Millenium Discourses)

 

 

this, in-between. April 1, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 12:16 am

the wave builds.

 

the darkness sounds through the music.  again and again the cycle of my endless inner dialogue.  sometimes its 28 days, other times its 24 seconds.  finding and seeking the spaces

 

in between.

 

the days, the nights, i awake at the break of light and the setting of the blue sky. into a midnight blue where I find myself, alone, again.

 

 

again the rush of those thorn filled thoughts, the blood to the face, the wetness in the eyes, as the sounds of music speak within me.

 

and i want to dance, run away and break free.  and yet I know I am bound.  the views bleak and boundless, broken and whole, the fragments dissolve, then reappear

 

when the focus is sharp. the mood is tormented.

 

the wave builds, waiting for the surf to break.

 

true.love March 17, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 5:36 pm

i know a lot less, and I have lost a lot in this past year.

I have been losing it seems for a long time.

 

and yet everyday I’ve been able to show up to be with myself.  and yet everyday Divine energy has touched me, soothed me, understood me and filled my being with an unconditional acceptance of what is.

 

that has to be the greatest gift of being there for myself as I am.

and one year a go i made the intention to show up, using a yoga book  (meditations off the mat) as my guide through these 365 days, along with the sufi book of life. the roller coaster surreal movie like life I have.  so many rushes, so many slows, so many days lost in a haze and yet not so much anymore.

the season is changing again. my separation continues to dissolve with the natural rhythm of life.  and as spring comes, the heat brings with it the shedding of the winter skin.  the body, mind and soul constantly in flow, in conversation with everything.

 

 

rainy day in karachi February 4, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 10:36 pm

i woke up to the song of my heart.

i felt my feet, hurting from dancing too much.  but i wasn’t done yet.

i put on the music. i moved my feet, my arms, my whole body alive balleting around my bathroom. and it was a cloudy morning.  i swept myself and felt the raindrops touch my hair, saw them glisten on my yoga mat, and the bright green of the garden shook through the palm leaves.

the day unraveled seamlessly, a phenomenon I had forgotten.  one moment didn’t seem out of sync, the steps moving in time, and arrived to watch a cloudy sunset, a hot cup of tea and soup, steaming in front of the Arabian sea.

the cold earth under my feet as I understood that once again:

things fall apart and come back together again.

 

Life of Abundance January 17, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 10:12 pm

Twenty 13 has brought with it an incredibly force of energy.  A lot more is visible, things are becoming clearer and most remarkably there is an abundance of love and gratitude.

The turn of this consciousness, this shift we were all supposed to receive has seemed to materialize in the strangest and oddest of configurations in a city as magnanimous as Karachi.

I have felt stuck for the past few weeks trying to put my feelings into words, and I still feel some of that hesitation now as I write.  But there is something distinctly moving and turning, before what felt below the surface seems to be rising.

I have deeply experienced some truths about Reality.  And I don’t feel alone in this process.  In fact I see it unfold around me in a way that I never dreamed possible.  Then I wonder, is it just me that was stopping all this abundance from flowing into my life?

there are no simple answers or truths outside of deep paradox.  the mind and heart not one yet not separate.  In the process of unliving my life i have come to find that wisdom never seemed to be so far away from right here right now.  And when I am fortunate enough to breathe in the now, then the world becomes a magical dance of shadow and light.  The images break into small poems all around me, and the earth and its life are breath-takingly awesome.

Suddenly I thought, thank god the phones are still on.  Here–the reality that most of us live in– enters back into my consciousness.  What is Karachi but perhaps the most insane place for one to exist?  And there are millions and millions of us who experience it in such different ways that it is no wonder so much art comes into people’s hearts.

we are living the story of the epic wound, the battle between good and evil, the betrayal and the anger, the shock and the misery, disappointment of what we see every day and yet somehow so many of us continue to smile.  show our cheeks and our hearts to people in intimate moments and love an innocent being with such grace and beauty.

I have never known a community like the one I have come to love in Karachi.  It is so incredibly diverse and generously filled with life.  There are no corners that don’t bring attention to this great paradox we call our home.  So as always with lots of  big beautiful love to all of you, a very happy new year awaits right now.

Listen to this story:

When the soul left the body
it was stopped by God at heaven’s gate:
Alas! You have returned just as you left.
Life is a blessing of opportunity
where are the bumps and scratches
left by the journey?

-Rumi.

 

2012 In Review: December 18, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 9:34 pm

I have a page open in my browser with this title: 2012 in Review, 10 Films…

And here I am on 18th december reviewing, reflecting, the uncanny swinging swirl of my life.  moving forward, back, and yet not moving at all.

one more year has ended and along with having more problems (and responsibilities), I suspect this year I have found many more solutions.  I started a mess, disassociated from my wild curly hair, running in circles, my yoga practice dwindling to a struggling class I taught twice a week and the usual stuff – difficult love, substances and late nights.

the winter mania once again, gripped by its intensity. my mother had been away for 2 months in a rehab, and i was lost.  my father was drinking more, my family struggling to complete therapy and there i was trying to escape it all.  the sea beckoned, the nights never ended and again grace rescued me from myself.

i prayed.  i haven’t stopped since 2009.  under any circumstance, it has been the most incredible gift.  i have tested the Divine with deep ignorance, with anger, with suspicion, and yet over and over again it has accepted me: flawed, human, and yes perpetually in confusion.

in march, at the spring equinox, i set an intention for 365 days of yoga practice.  it didn’t matter how much but the promise was made: i needed to show up everyday the best that I could to be with the present moment.  to embrace its pain and joy.  and to know stillness more intimately.

like a slow motion movie this year unwrapped itself around me, in what at times has seemed like an absurd black comedy that I was not sure how I got a starring role in.  the end of my marriage seemed like a piece of cake compared to a year of illness, addictions and still recovery (always in recovery) for my parents.  but somehow with the more difficult tests, I received even more abundance, more grace and more support.

my soul yearned for a teacher, and in June I met him.  His kindness, his humanness, and his attention confirmed, that despite all my shortcomings I had been given this incredible gift of connection with a spirit of Light.

but it isn’t as if the pain disappears for more than mere moments.  when my forehead touches the ground and i breathe, when I stop the swirling to taste the miracle of life that i have been blessed with. but the pain is my friend, my teacher.  it takes me to places where only deep surrender suffice, and every time makes me accept love, compassion, and submission as the path to this ever changing perception of the unchanging Truth, the Real.

with 2012 almost in the rearview, i see with rose-tinted glasses: the gorgeous winter sunset on the Karachi horizon, leaving its trace of pink, orange, and gray light through the streaming clouds.

 

tonglen December 11, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — yogini786 @ 10:35 pm

“Use what seems like poison as medicine. Use your personal suffering as the path to compassion for all beings. ” – Pema Chodron

i find myself again. here.

where words are hard to write and sentences difficult to form, because what I feel and what I can understand are still battling.  usually leading me to stop writing the post, and putting my computer off. reaching towards a book or my remote control and surrendering.

but tonight i look towards my spiritual teachers and to my intention of showing up everyday for my sacred duty of being human: to submit and be in awe.  and i don’t push away the tightness in my chest, the wetness on my lids, and the constant dialogue of fear, thoughts for the future.  i don’t push away the truth that right now I cannot name what i am feeling, and despite that I know I am not alone in feeling it.

i say to myself that it’s ok.  what i feel right now millions others feel it.  as i give it space, millions others also share with me my suffering as I share in theirs.  as i see and hear the frustration in my mothers voice, as i contract in a deep pain holding my fathers trembling hand, i understand.  i understand these tears are not just mine.  our humanity is what makes us kind.  and so when i dream of betraying lovers, and find myself drained at the end of the day, struggling to share how I feel,  i relax. into my own humanity.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”

** meaning of tonglen