“Use what seems like poison as medicine. Use your personal suffering as the path to compassion for all beings. ” – Pema Chodron
i find myself again. here.
where words are hard to write and sentences difficult to form, because what I feel and what I can understand are still battling. usually leading me to stop writing the post, and putting my computer off. reaching towards a book or my remote control and surrendering.
but tonight i look towards my spiritual teachers and to my intention of showing up everyday for my sacred duty of being human: to submit and be in awe. and i don’t push away the tightness in my chest, the wetness on my lids, and the constant dialogue of fear, thoughts for the future. i don’t push away the truth that right now I cannot name what i am feeling, and despite that I know I am not alone in feeling it.
i say to myself that it’s ok. what i feel right now millions others feel it. as i give it space, millions others also share with me my suffering as I share in theirs. as i see and hear the frustration in my mothers voice, as i contract in a deep pain holding my fathers trembling hand, i understand. i understand these tears are not just mine. our humanity is what makes us kind. and so when i dream of betraying lovers, and find myself drained at the end of the day, struggling to share how I feel, i relax. into my own humanity.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”
** meaning of tonglen
Karachi Yogini 
This might sound a little mean, but know that I don’t intend it that way: but Gosh I hope I never feel that way. Ever! I’m so afraid of ever feeling that way. I am afraid all the time! Literally, all the freaking time! I wanna do all I can do to rise above it all. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, because it would be worse than disappointing myself. But I know there are people who matter to me, and to whom I matter, and everyday that I fail to rise above, I disappoint them.
buddhism has a very honest outlook on the nature of life. the first noble truth states we all experience suffering and pain. tonglen and other practices allow us to accept the suffering we are experiencing and feel compassion for ourselves and others since everyone at some point will experience pain. its a loving and kind way to treat yourself, and then its not so much about rising above, or pleasing others, or fearing the future, as much as it is about accepting each state one is in at the present moment as valuable and necessary for our evolution to becoming compassionate loving beings. inshAllah you will find your own supports to overcoming any challenges you may face in life.